《A soldier's letter》 Page 1 From: Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes 107th Infantry Regiment To: Steven Grant Rogers 197 Montague Street Brooklyn, New York, USA August 29, 1943 Dear Steve, I have no idea, how or when this letter will find you. I might post it myself, if I get the chance, or I might give it to someone else for safe keeping. Or maybe it will still be on me, when it''s found and brought to you. Maybe someone will have opened it and read it, maybe they''ll have kept it sealed out of respect. Anyways, there are no secrets here that have any influence on the war, so there''s that, filthy spies! Fuck you! Okay, so anyway. What I''m trying to say is that I''m writing this because I think I might not make it back. Maybe I''ll be caught by the enemy, or I simply don''t get out of this alive. I can''t exactly tell you, what the cause is, but I''m scared. Now, you know, I''m not a coward. But I''ve seen men, real men, twice our age, lose their cool, their mind, their limbs and their lives in this war, and it''s horrible! I know you wanted to be a part of this and defend your home like a good soldier, but I''m so glad they didn''t draft you, Stevie! This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it. If you were here, I wouldn''t be able to go a second without fearing for your life, and not just because I know you''d pull some crazy stunts, you punk! Whereas now, sometimes the only condolence I have is to know you are safe. You''re far away from the bullets and the bombs, and even though our flat could be cold as shit, at least you can go to the library and warm up, reading some peaceful fantasy novel. Not out here, fearing every step you take could blow you to bits, or leave you screaming in a puddle of your own blood for hours, because noone can make it out to you and put an end to it. I''m not trying to scare you, Stevie, but I''ve seen things. I have seen things! And I thank God every night that he''s not letting this happen to you. But, all that aside, I mean, that''s just the reason I''m writing this letter in the first place, and I''ve not even gotten to the hard part. Because, I have a confession to make. There is something I''ve wanted to get off my chest for years now. And I can already hear you protest: ¡°But Bucky, you know you could always tell me everything!¡± or ¡°Well, if it was so bad, why didn''t you tell the priest after Sunday service?¡± But, well, thing is, I did try that. And I felt horrible afterwards. Because I can''t repent. I can''t let go of this sin inside me, no matter how hard I try. I really wanted to, I prayed, and I reasoned and argued with me, and I tried to drown it out. I even tried beating it out of me, the way my Dad did. I know I never told you that either. I''m sorry. But how could I tell you about it, without telling you the reason? And I feel so ashamed for it, I really do! I never wanted this, I didn''t choose this, I tried to stop, but it just doesn''t go away. And so, I think, maybe that''s just something I can''t change. Maybe that''s God''s way of justice. He gave you all these illnesses, when you never did anything wrong, and made you live with them. And he left me with a healthy body, so I could fight a war. But gave me this mental disease, this sickness in my mind so it would be even. Whatever the reason is, I want you to know, it''s not your fault, okay? None whatsoever! You''re a good man, Steve, and that''s all I ever saw you as, okay? A good man! This is only my fault, if anyone''s. And I tried making up for it. For years. I''m sorry. Okay, are you ready for my big confession? For the horrible truth I just have to unveil before I bite the dust? Because I don''t want it to stand between us forever and all eternity. I''ve wanted to tell you so many times. Okay, here it goes: Steve, I love you! ?? Page 2 ?? If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. ?? Page 3 ?? I''m so sorry, Stevie! I bet you''re shaking with disgust reading this, feeling betrayed by my lies. Please forgive me! Please don''t hate me, please! I really tried to get it out of my system, I went out with as many gals as I could, always hoping to find the one that could cure me. I tried to suppress thinking of you, shamed myself, hurt myself for it. Whenever I woke up from a dream about you, I would slap myself until my cheeks burned. But I couldn''t stop it. And then I thought, maybe I just need to let it out once, to see how bad it is. Not with you! I swear, I never did anything inappropriate with you, ever! I would never do that, I could never hurt you, or do something with you that you wouldn''t absolutely want. So please, please don''t feel used, because I never did that! I swear on my mother''s grave, whenever you were passed out from exhaustion or sick, I only ever got you home and tucked you in, I never touched you where I shouldn''t! I never did anything I wouldn''t have done in front of your Mom, I swear! So please, please don''t feel dirty! If anyone should feel that way, it should be me. The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. And I do. Even though I should probably feel much worse. That one time, that really happened. I tried it. With a guy. Bet this sounds horrific to you. It should have been. Ya know that lane down by the docks, where all the ''pretty ladies'' parade? I went there. There was that club, where a man performed in dresses, singing like a lady. I''ve heard rumors. So, I talked to him. Paid him. I had a lot to drink, just to brave through it. I was scared, but told him to go at it, just do what he''d do to a lady to me. And, well... It wasn''t ugly. It should have been. But he was... kind? It didn''t even hurt. I don''t remember all of it, I was very drunk. But I know I cried a lot. After it happened. Because it wasn''t bad. It didn''t cure me. In fact, that night, that just made it easier to dream about you. To think about being with you. I''m sorry, Steve. So sorry. ?? Page 4 ?? The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement. ?? Page 5 ?? Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on. ?? Page 6 ?? So there you go. My soul laid bare, with nothing left to hide. I do not dare to hope, that you still want to be my friend after this. And maybe it''s too late for that anyways. But I beg you, please, please, please don''t hate me for this, Stevie! I already hate myself so much, there really is no need for you to join in. And I swear I never did anything indescreet to you! I always turned away, when you wanted to change, I never took off more than your shoes, when I put you to sleep, and the one time we shared a bed for the cold, I kept my back to you the whole night, and my hands on the pillow! I have nothing but love and respect for you and would never abuse your trust, please know that! I''m not a monster. I guess I was just born this way. Stolen story; please report. That''s all I can say in my defense. I hope you can forgive me. That would mean the world to me. And if we never see each other again, I hope I at least get to wave goodbye to you, when you walk through that pearly gate. Because I always wanted to be there for you. ''Til the end of the line. Yours forever, Bucky