《This is everything I (n)ever wanted》


 8th August 2017 - Now it would be a great time to be anyone but me

    1


    8<sup>th</sup> August 2017 ¨C Now it¡¯s a great time to be anyone but me


    I was sitting in the attic of my family home. It was my only shelter. The only place where I felt peace. It used to seem to me that all my guardian angels had met there, and when I was there they made sure I was well. As soon as I came out through the door of my refuge, some higher, evil force would capture my angels and I would be left alone in this cruel world.


    I am 13 years old, and I have 13 million tears behind me.


    ¡°Josephine!¡± ¨C my mom shouted my name when the time for lunch arrived. I wasn¡¯t really hungry, not because I lost my appetite, but because I knew what was waiting for me. I put my not-so-sharp pencil down in my poetry notebook and went downstairs.


    My mom is a tall woman in her early 40s, even if she looks much older because of all her pain. I saw bruises on her neck and I tried to ignore them, one more time. The table was full of all kinds of food, as always. No matter of pain, stress, and sorrow that she goes through every single day, she still manages to prepare all of that without complaints. Every day, she was getting weaker, and all I could do is watch her fade.Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.


    ¡°Where is dad?¡± ¨C I asked. He was rarely home, and when he was it wouldn¡¯t be his best performance.


    ¡°He is out.¡± ¨C as always, short replies were the only way of communication in our house.


    I was cutting a piece of fried chicken, completely focused on thinking about my chemistry exam. I hated and loved chemistry at the same time. But the thought of all our hormones and all our feelings are based on one chemical formula was simply fascinating. I¡¯m sad because of serotonin. I am happy because of serotonin. I can¡¯t sleep because of serotonin. Isn¡¯t it amazing?


    Well, let me go back to the part about cutting chicken. My dad got home at that moment and interrupted the line of my thoughts about chemistry.


    ¡°Hi.¡± ¨C I greeted him quietly. He ignored that I was here. He yelled at my mom once or twice, threw a bowl of lettuce salad on the floor, and made a couple of huge sandwiches with chicken and tomatoes. My dad got into his working uniform, took his meal, and left slamming the door.


    It was like this for a couple of days already. I was mostly silent, alone, and forgotten. My mom mostly had headaches and sicknesses. My dad was mostly out gambling, betting, drinking, and wasting money. That was my family. We are on different sides, in different worlds, with different pains and fears. All of us are lonely even when we are together.


    I am feeling empty. Can¡¯t say I¡¯m happy, but I¡¯m also not sad. Simply empty. A shadow who is trying to build a teenage world and just be free. But they tore it up, every day, again, and again, and again.

 29th July 2017 – Few days before the fall

    2


    29<sup>th</sup> July 2017 ¨C Few days before the fall


    ¡°You fucking bitch!¡± ¨C I heard my dad shouting to my mom. The sound of his angry voice was mixed with the sounds of things breaking and my mom crying. It wasn¡¯t anything new to happen or strange, but it still was painful and destructive like the first time.


    I was setting the table for breakfast nobody was going to eat. After I cried my soul out under the shower I sat on the chair, pale and broken. Everything was so terrifying for me. But I think I wasn¡¯t aware of the situation that was happening around me. I was just lost, everything was so sudden, new, surprising, and shocking to me. I had no idea I was about to get into a tornado of problems and fear.


    I was sitting on the 2nd-floor balcony, with a view of the ocean. The sun was caressing my skin and dying tears from my tired face. I had a war inside of me. At that particular moment, tons of thoughts were running through my mind. I imagined the relief I would feel if dozens of painkillers would start running through my system. If the toxins would start making my liver fail, or just make my blood poisoned enough to kill me or put me in a coma. I imagined the happiness I would feel if the razors would cut the veins on my wrist or the carotid artery on my neck. I imagined the calmness that would flow through my soul if I jumped off that balcony I was sitting on. I was thinking about what kind of peace I would feel if I drown in that deep, blue ocean. And folks, trust me, I was minutes away from that.You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.


    My mom showed up after some time. Her face looked swollen, and red and she was in tears. To be honest, I don¡¯t even know what happened. I just know my father wanted my mother dead. And he seemed like he didn¡¯t mind making that happen. Also, my mom had a stroke a month ago.


    Life was a huge mess at that moment. It wasn¡¯t about to stop for some good time.


    I was thirteen and I didn¡¯t even realize the things around me. It was hard to understand them, though. I was still sleeping with stuffed toys, I was still searching for real friends, and I was trying to fall into some childish love. I was studying hard. I didn¡¯t know how to act in situations with so many problems. It was unreal to me. I was still spending hours playing Subway Surfer on my tablet and watching the Disney channel.


    That pain wasn¡¯t for me. I wasn¡¯t ready for that confusion and cruelty. My body wasn¡¯t ready for so many things that it had to handle. That will have many more consequences than any of you thought it could.


    ~


    Through the days and even weeks, my time on Earth was getting more difficult. My mom stopped even cooking, and cleaning. She became a vegetable. She was barely eating, all she did was fight with my dad, drink water and stare at one spot on the wall.


    So, I started doing everything by myself. Isn¡¯t it lovely, all alone? Heart made of glass, the mind of stone.