《Anything goes》


 Anything goes

    Date: March 3rd 2022


    So, today''s the first day of writing a diary. I use the term diary very loosely here. I don''t care about what I write or how I do it. I just want to write.


    Today, I am listening to Emma Chamberlain''s podcast: Anything goes, for the first time. I am also realizing that I can''t listen to the podcast and write at the same time. But hey... let''s try. My hand is also starting to ache. Most probably the result of not having written anything for a long while. I am also starting nose breathing from today. I don''t know till when though.


    So, this is how this is going to go. I am going to write whatever I want. Not going to care about the grammar, structure or even context for that matter. I am just going to write.


    Let''s talk about failure. Talk as in write. I don''t know what to write. I have been feeling like a failure for the past five years of my life now.


    Ms. Rabbit, would you please stop licking me and disturbing me.


    I am trying to do better. Trying is the key word here. So, first year of art college. Haven''t been to a single class or done a single assignment for that matter. I should go tomorrow but I don''t think I will. While I am writing this, I am also thinking about whether I will keep on doing this. Because, I am a "perfectionist" who is also a procrastinator. It''s ironic, I know. So, if I end up not doing this tomorrow, I wouldn''t really be surprised but I would be very disappointed at myself. So without further delay, let''s start? I mean I have already written almost an entire page.


    I am an introvert. I am also an Aries. Now, some might say that doesn''t add up. Well, I don''t know. Maybe it''s because my mom had been over controlling my entire life? Maybe because my confidence has been lowering? Or maybe because I only see darkness waiting for me in the future? Damn, I am already starting to tear up. Yeah, I''m depressed, aren''t I? Although that does fit the stereotypical trait of an Aries being a crybaby. Maybe I should post this on web novel. You know what, let''s not. (well, that went well. At least it''s on royal road and not on web novel.)


    I am panicking a little. Who am I kidding, I am panicking... A LOT. My family... we''re not really well off. If anything, we''re in debt. But it''s not like we can''t get out of it. My mom is a single mom who is also the sole breadwinner of the family. But I and my sis are also perfectly capable of earning and helping out. But here lies the problem. My sis is probably just as depressed as me. Also, where we live, depression isn''t even a thing. People don''t care about mental health until they suddenly go crazy. So, anyways... my sis could probably get a good paying job and help out. But me... not too sure about that.If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.


    Throughout much of my school life, I had always been a good student, a topper, one might even say. And as it always goes, a good student is supposed to...


    So, I just returned back from toilet and my rabbit had proceeded to start eating up the page. My life... as always. People should use this as an excuse whenever teacher asks for homework. Probably more believable.


    ...supposed to study science or some shit and become a scientist, engineer, doctor, blah blah blah. But here''s the thing I had no idea what to do. I still don''t. A teenager is supposed to know. Surprise...they don''t. I did choose science though.


    But I started exploring other options. So, I had always...well, not always but I did write a lot. So I thought, ''hey...why not be a writer''. Don''t get me wrong. I didn''t want to be one out of the blue. I had been reading novels and mangas for a long while now and I noticed that some newbie writers were earning 1000$ or more each month by posting on patreon. Of course, I knew I was not even close to being as good as them. But in my country, 1000$ dollars is a lot. A LOT.


    So, I started writing. I didn''t post anything on patreon for the first time, obviously. I just posted it on webnovel. My very first novel: "Reincarnated as a rose in a cultivation world" . I had some sentimental, as in stupid reasons to write this. Well, that went well. I abandoned it completely after my procrastination reared its head.


    So, I wrote a fanfiction the next time. After taking months off that is. "In MHA as Elixir". So, the very first week after having posted some extra chapters in patreon, I got three patrons which meant about 9-12$ per month. Not much but you got to start somewhere right. And that would have been fine if not for our dear old friend Mr. Procrastination. Now when I think back on it, it''s probably my depression that is the cause of my procrastination. Or, it could just be pure laziness for that matter. Also, I struggled every day just to write a new chapter because, I had already lost any passion for the story. As a result, my writing quality also degraded.


    I know that if I had kept on writing and not given up, I would have probably earned more. I had also just finished my finals for grade 12. Due to lock down... I don''t know where I am trying to go with this. The thing is, throughout 11 and 12, I stopped going to school as much. I was lazy, depressed and mostly insecure. All of which I still am. Not only did this make me sad and miserable, it also caused my family a whole lot of problems. Anyways, I hid myself in a shell as much as possible and stopped studying, socializing and taking care of myself. Result..well I somehow passed my grade 12 exams.


    But I had no intentions to chose science or anything complex for my bachelor degree. Mostly cuz I had already completely wasted my mom''s money and I knew that I would probably waste even more.


    You know... I am starting to get tired, bored and exhausted physically and mentally. So...there''s that. I don''t know if I''ll even write tomorrow but...even if I did I don''t know what I''ll write.

 Tuition

    Date: March 31st, 2022


    I didn''t go to college today as well. Wow, how surprising. At this point, I am not even disappointed. Because, you need to have expectations or hope to get disappointed which i have none. At least, I am still writing this "diary".


    So, good news. I found out what my sexuality is. For the longest time, I had simply no idea what my sexuality is. Mostly because I had no interest in sex or more specifically doing the sex. I knew I wasn''t asexual because I get turned on by the most random of things. I knew that I didn''t care about the gender of a person as long as I lived them and they loved me. So, I thought I was a pansexual but that still didn''t make sense. Because I felt disgusted by the very thought of sex even though I would masturabate and jerk off 2,3,4...5...times a day. Ahem, anyways...


    Finally after a long time, I found that there is a term that explains my situation perfectly. Aegosexual. Yes, I am aegosexual. It is a subdivision of asexual.


    Then again, I do hate any sort of physical contact. Even though I don''t act like it. Heck, there are times where I have been the one to initiate physical touch. That''s basically me trying to fit in. Now that I am writing this, this feels so stupid. Why do I have to confirm to what society thinks is right? Yeah, that''s stupid.


    Talking about physical contact, I teach tuition to two kids. Okay, that sounded wrong. What I mean to say is, I hate kids and they are also too touchy. Anyways, one of the kids is an 8 year old. And.. My attention is slipping away.


    So, the 8 year old, like any other kid, is playful, naughty and a little too cheerful and excited for my comfort. But, temptation of chocolate and a fake promise of a beating incase he doesn''t comply, does the job.


    The real problem here is the 14 year old.


    <hr>


    Date: April 2nd 2022


    So, today is April 2nd, two days after the previous writing. I didn''t write anything yesterday and couldn''t even complete the previous writing. No surprise there.


    Anyways, the older kid is a teenager and that in itself already explains majority of my problem. The reason I am writing about this is mainly because of the lack of respect he shows. I get it, a soft spoken introverted guy isn''t the most intimidating guy. Heck, leave alone the 14 year old hormonal teenager, even other people assume me to be someone that could be stepped on and disrespected. But what they don''t know about me is that I am a genius psychopath who loves killing people. Just joking.Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.


    So, my solution to the problem is speaking less but sounding firm and strict. Which doesn''t really get the job done considering the fact that I would slip back to my usual tone, time and again.


    At least I am trying and not giving up.


    <hr>


    Yesterday was April 1st. I have to say, I missed being pranked by my friends. Reason: being a loner with 0 friends. Well, not quite. I do have friends but they are all introverted just like me. How we came to be friends is an unanswered question to all of us. I miss having extroverted friends who would always pester me.


    Friends


    What are friends? I have asked this question to myself way too many times. I have had many friends. That is, back when I wasn''t as depressed as I am now. Although, I have always been an introvert. Even if I was close to them, I also didn''t really care about them too much. I don''t know what that says about me. I would always get exhausted as hell even though I enjoyed their company. I knew that I just wasn''t made for that shit.


    My family, we would constantly move to different places. So, I never had the time to form strong and stable friendships. In fact, I was afraid to. Because sooner or later, I would have to say goodbye to them forever. That basically created this thin barrier between me and any of my friends. Even though I have a very close friend nowadays, I still feel that barrier at times.


    It''s thin, transparent and even flexible but it''s still there. So, more often than not, I find myself retreating back into my own depressed headspace. However, she is a very good friend. I should say best friend... She is also introverted and has her own share of problems. But, she is like a better version of me. More friends, more sociable, still goes to college, goes out for fun and has a relatively well off family. I must admit that I have NOT been jealous of her. I know, shocking. One would think I''d be jealous of her.


    Anyways, last night, I sent her a disgusting video as friends do. And she reacted with disgust, like I expected her to. What I didn''t expect was the word "tero".


    For those who use "you" to address other people, in my country we have different word to address to different people. Hajur or tapai is used to address older people. Timi is used to address people of similar age. Lastly, ta or tero is used to address younger people.


    Tero is also used for people you don''t respect. However, it is also used to address close friends. It basically signifies that the concerned parties are very close friends. When she used the word tero, I wasn''t ready. So my mind immediately misunderstood it for the former. Of course, I had already known that she used it to address me like how a friend would.


    Obviously, that didn''t prevent my mood from dampening. I just get shocked how such a simple thing could make one so sad. Even though you know it''s just your own brain.


    Well, this is it for today.