《OP Pizza Delivery Berserker》 The dungeon of Certain Doom The diner was half-full, the room smelling of delectable cheese, freshly baked artisan sourdough bread and the slight tang of tomatoes. Blissful guests bit into crunching pizza crusts. A peaceful, happy scene. Ring ring. Ring ring. A middle-aged human woman picked up the audio stone. ¡°Yes hello, welcome to Pizza Shrine, how can I help you?¡± she said to the glowing blue rock. ¡°Yes, you¡¯re in luck, we do deliver to the dungeon of certain doom today. No, she wasn¡¯t in yesterday. ¡­ no, you listen here, she¡¯s a minor. There are regulations about minors working overti- will you shut up, elf? You grown lads thought it was a great idea to go into a dungeon named ''certain doom'', that''s not on us. We''re a pizzeria." ¡­.. angry muffled screaming came from the audio stone. ¡°Un-go there then if it¡¯s such a bad place to be. I¡¯m hanging up now.¡± Panicked muffled screaming. "See, basic politeness. Not so hard, yes? Now what will you order? ¡­ ok.. five calzone, a margarita, one fig jam special and a large bowl of pizza salad. Delivered to¡­ the first floor of the Dungeon of Certain Doom... barricaded castle door. Wow, you¡¯re really making no progress at that dungeon. Other jobs exist, you know. I¡¯ll give them your order. Ciao.¡± She hung up the audio stone and muttered something about the third time this month. ¡°Auria, sweetie! Your niche clientele is at it again!¡± she hollered across the room. ¡°Who is it now?¡± a raspy female voice called back. A human and a half-draconid was sitting at that table, and it was the human who answered. ¡°Oh, it¡¯s that E-ranked adventurer party who always gets stuck on the first floor. That elf-guy-whatshisface.¡± ¡°Wow.¡± ¡°Yes. They¡¯re not the brightest. Get ready to head out, Takeo has already started their order.¡± ¡°Alright then. See you when I get back, Lily.¡± ¡°Aaaw.¡± said the other young woman who sat at their table. She sported a draconic tail, a few scales in pastel pink and white, and a small crown of pink and white and gold horns that made Auria wonder how much of a hassle it must be to brush all that hair to golden shining perfection when they surely must tear up her hairbrushes, ¡°Auria, why is it that when I¡¯m free to play, you¡¯re always busy?¡±Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°Because you¡¯re almost always busy? Pure statistics?¡± Auria said with a smile and a shrug. ¡°... lame.¡± Lily sulked and continued to paint her tabletop figurines. Auria cracked her neck. The soft smile on her face was replaced by a grim stare as she booted up her system interface.
Quest: A foolish adventurer party has ordered pizza from the Dungeon of Certain Doom. Finish your delivery before they perish. Accept?
Auria placed a hand on the handle of her rocker pizza knife scimitar and crossed the room for the counter. Guests who had been enjoying their pizza suddenly shuddered under the activation of her auras. Takeo, one of their pizza guys, placed a stack of pizzas on the counter. He didn¡¯t say anything, just waved her goodbye with that usual tired expression before he headed back into the kitchen.
You may accomplish feats beyond your level, as long as it is while delivering pizza on scheduled hours! Skills activated: [Pizza delivery OP:ness]! [Delivery Berserker]! [Lost Princess of the-
¡°Yeah, yeah.¡± she said and dashed out the door. Their small hamlet disappeared in a blur. She passed by a cheetah running full speed in the same direction. She stopped at a red traffic light and impatiently tapped her foot until it switched back to green. She wove expertly through forest parkour trails and mountain passes while perfectly balancing her stack of pizza boxes. Auria wasn¡¯t the greatest or most famous OP cheat around these parts. But she was the only one who could balance pizza boxes all stylishly like that and they all had to admit it. Finally she made it to the Dungeon of Certain Doom. She zoomed through the camp of hardened adventurers that had set up outside of it. Through the gaping cave entrance and into the cold and hollow darkness, deeper down those unhallowed stairs, down to where the floor began to be lit by magma. She kebabed great beasts that happened to stand in her way. They hadn¡¯t done anything to deserve that. But the pizza must go on. And it was the smarter choice to clear the way for her retreat later. At the back of the floor stood a great castle built of black stone. It was under siege; surrounded by a hoard of roaring minotaurs. Auria raised her pizza rocking knife scimitar. Left her own shadows behind as she danced through the air. Sliced beef with a seasoning of shredded crude leather armor fell in paper-thin sheets around her. A much bigger minotaur appeared and blocked the stairway that led up into the keep. He held an axe twice Aurias height. ¡°You¡¯ve come again.¡± he growled. ¡°This time.. THIS TIME!!! I SHALL END YOU, YOU PIZZA MENACE!¡± he roared and raised the axe over his head. The axe fell¡­ as paper-thin sheets of metal. Together with paper-thin slices of beef, all scattering in the soft breeze of Aurias wake. A small fry boss of the small fry upper floors. The fate of canon fodder such as them was to become pizza ingredients. Hopefully some nice quality beef loot would drop, she could pick some up later when she was done here. Finally she made it to the barricaded door. It was easy to find, because these guys always got stuck at the same place. She bullrished through the remaining minotaur on that part of the castle wall, and then kicked the door down. Inside were several armored people who looked mightily messed up. Their armor was banged, clothes were stained with blood, and they looked like they hadn¡¯t eaten in three days. She sheathed her pizza rocker knife scimitar after flicking off the blood. ¡°Pizza delivery.¡± Certain Doom It was dark in the room. Dark, cold, and smelling of rot and the old blood of things that had died long before them. Aside from the sorry team barricading themselves within, there was nothing there - it was one of those rooms with no clear purpose that were sometimes seen in dungeons, one of the ones that existed because the door added some detail to the place. Maedhros the Badplanned silently despaired. It was day three in this purposeless room. The very stone walls shook endlessly from the vibrations of bellows and moo¡¯s of the battling minotaurian hordes and their hedonistic feast of death and triumph. The ear-grating sound shook dust and the occasional deadly poisonous spider from the mildewy ceiling. You know what else shook dust and the occasional deadly poisonous spider from the mildewy ceiling? THE FUCKING MINOTAUR THAT WAS TRYING TO CRASH THROUGH THE ONLY DOOR. Maedhros the Badplanned silently despaired some more. Now here he stood, shield raised against a foe he could never face head-on. In the back row, the party¡¯s young priest stammered silent whimpering prayers to Luen. Luen, Maedhros knew, never answered prayers, the goddess as distant from this hellish place as the stars the governed. No one else spoke. It had been three days since they broke into this empty room and hunkered down in hiding. Times of speaking, of regret, were long over. ¡°AAAH! SPIDEEEER!¡± The party stood in dignified silence in front of what was likely an impending TPK. ¡°GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF MEEEEEEEE-¡± Yes, they were about to meet their gods and all knew it, hence the totally. Dignified. Silence. ¡°AAAAH! AAAAAAH! AAAAAAH! AAAAH!¡± Ah, sweet denial, how lovely thy embrace. Maedhros the elf thought of his home in these final - silent - moments of his. BOOM. The orphanage at the towns stereotypical adventures guild. BOOM. Ah the happy days of his childhood, when he still innocently thought that power and rank would come to him if he simply trained hard and stayed diligent. BOOM. BOOOOM. Now here he was, a grown elf of 150 years, vainly hoping that a mere human youth would beat the ticking of the clock and bring them salvation along with their pizza. Gods, the distribution of power was truly ridiculously biased and unfair. BOOM. BOOOOOOOM. BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.CRASH! Maedhros braced for impact and the party quickly sidestepped around the door as it flew off its hinges and crashed into the far wall. Many spiders fell from the ceiling, bringing their children and eldery and evacuating their homes. No one screamed this time. Through the door came a lithe and deadly shadow, stepping over the sparkling light of disintegrating enemies. She was backlit by raging fire and the orchestral cacophony of minotaurian suffering. A shadow fell over her face, her yellow eyes piercing through that ominously flickering darkness anyway, as if the two stark orbs didn¡¯t think darkness was important enough to acknowledge. In one hand, a long, curved, blade, gleaming in the firelight. In the other, a neatly stacked pile of pizza cartons, perfectly untainted by the blood that splattered the floor outside. Her dark-ish brown hair was waving mystically in a wind that did not blow in the underground dungeon. She had even omitted armor completely, just ignoring it in favor of a plain t-shirt with the words ¡®Pizza Shrine¡¯. [Pizza deliverer - lvl ??] ¡°Pizza delivery.¡± Her low, power-laced voice awoke a primal dread somewhere in Maedhros reptile brain. Then the auras of doom simply died down. In front of them was simply a girl. Perfectly ordinary, stepping into the reach of the party¡¯s magelight. No eyes defied the darkness. No hair billowed in unexplained winds. She waved. Yep. Distribution of power. It really was so unfair. ----------- Auria deactivated her skills. She felt her mind return to normal as the churning murmurs of [Delivery Berserker] silenced, and she took a good look at the party in the room. As usual, Maedhros the Badplanned was the only one she recognized. His party had a pretty high turnover rate. ¡°Hey Madh, you look like shit. What¡¯s up.¡± she said with a wave of her blade-wielding hand. ¡°Don¡¯t what¡¯s up me, girl!¡± Maedhros sighed through his bared relief. ¡°We¡¯ve been trying to order pizza for three days! Don¡¯t just come in the last silvers of our lives!¡± ¡°Ey you know I don¡¯t work on weekends. There¡¯s laws and shit. You ordered a calzone, right?¡± she said and handed him a box. ¡°Ah, yes, please.¡± he said, his arrogant anger falling away and melting like meek snowflakes at the scent of divinity itself. ¡°So, new record?¡± Auria said as she handed him the bill. The elf winced at the numbers. ¡°You¡¯re two doors down this time.¡± ¡°No need to mock me.¡± he grumbled. Clearly, the pizza carton cradled in his arms could only do so much at dispelling the steep monetary price of his repeated failures. ¡°Who said I was? You¡¯re tenacious, at least. And alive, that¡¯s pretty good too. Better hurry up tho if you wanna keep it that way. The path is pretty clear, so just finish your pizza and leave before it ain¡¯t clear anymore.¡± ¡­. She had one more delivery to make here. One final pizza left with her. Skills once again activated, Auria nyoomed through the floor, back up to the entrance, round the corner and off into the woods. Not many people know about it - and it wouldn¡¯t make them any good to know it, either - but there was a back door out here. Only when the dungeon master of the Dungeon of Certain Doom wanted there to be a back door, of course. It was a pretty ordinary door, exept for the fact that it was standing out there attached to nothing. Just a door, in the middle of the forest. And yet a vague, flickering firelight shone through its small window, as if to say ¡°hey there¡¯s totally an interior here¡±. Auria knocked. ¡°Who dares to come here?¡± asked a voice that was doom itself. It was like crushed gravel somehow forming words. It was low, rumbling, and beastial. ¡°Pizza delivery.¡± she said. ¡°Ooooh!¡± said the voice and opened the door. A demonic-looking man stood within, with the horns of a ram, skin like molten rock, and armor as black as night. This was Certain Doom, the owner of the Dungeon of Certain Doom. ¡°The next episode of Tortured Souls is almost on. Perfect timing!¡± Certain grinned his friendliest smile of too many teeth, accepted the pizza carton, and handed over two small bags in exchange. ¡°That one¡¯s a small bonus, for your dungeon enthusiast sister.¡± Auria opened the bonus bag. Within were unpainted miniature figures. Mr. Certain grinned wider. ¡°They¡¯re enchanted, so their eyes glow during player encounters and the little dragon starts spewing smoke. These goblin ones, if you pour in a little more mana before the game starts, they¡¯ll laugh mockingly whenever someone rolls a 1. I put a lot of work into the details.¡± ¡°Huh. These are really nice, Certain. I¡¯m sure Lily will love them. Are you ever coming over to finish that game?¡± ¡°If I find the time, if I find the time. With my occupation, that¡¯s one of the few things that are limited I¡¯m afraid. You kids should level up some more and reach the boss floor, we could hold the rest of the campaign there if you want. I¡¯ve got the perfect atmosphere, and some nice lodging for adventurers on the penultimate floor. You could stay over for a while if your mom is ok with it. Tortured Souls is starting, but tell the family I said hi, will you?¡± The demon waved goodbye. The door clicked close and tracelessly vanished. Behold, a wild fancypants appears
Quest completed! All pizzas delivered!
Aurias OP Pizza Delivery stat boosts fizzled out with a few faint, scattering sparks of light and a quiet, defeated ''psssht''. Curious, she eyed through the little bag of miniatures. They were mostly Minotaur units, unpainted metallic things, plentifuls and commons, but a quick [Inspect] revealed they were triple-star quality, which was as high as commons would go. That was nice. She pulled one of them up. [Unfinished Minotaur miniature. Dungeon make. Rarity: Plentiful. Quality: *** Minotaur society is a violent meritocracy. Warherds of thousands of individuals fight against each other for supremacy among their kind, and can move great distances quickly if given open terrain. Their ranks shift with each victory and defeat, with the losers joining the winning warherd and starting anew in their quest to reach the top of the hierarchy. An adventurer should always be wary of a warherd as all minotaurs are aggressive, but they are rarely interested in open conflict with other races. The bigger threat are the smaller groups of 2-10 individuals who seek levels and violence on easier battlefields. This unit gains a small boost to movement speed and stamina when deployed with 4 other Minotaurs or more. Benefits from Minotaurean Leadership skills.] She took out another one. [Unfinished Mono-taur miniature. Dungeon loot. Rarity: Common. Quality: *** Mono-taurs are solitary loners who have left their warherd to pursue strength. Mono-taurs have historically been rare, but their numbers surged in recent years after a particular warherd general was introduced to power-fantasy lightnovels. Great solitary hardship did not phase the over-powerd protagonist of "I alone became OP with a basic tactic that should''ve been blatantly obvious to everyone and then I became God". Neither does it phase the Mono-taur. Mono-taur units are immune to all buffs and de-buffs from other minotaurs, including Leadership skills.] The descriptions hadn''t changed from the last batch, and Auria smiled at all the warherd bullshit that SHE DIDN''T HAVE TO DEAL WITH. Joy. She decided to have minotaur pizza for dinner because eff those masochistic testo cows. With no more work to be done here, she put the miniatures in the bag, stashed the bags in a pocket, and started jogging back through the roadless forest. It was fairly dark now and she couldn''t see as well as she had until now since she wasn''t delivering pizza anymore, but getting lost was hard when the right way was simply downhill. It took her a few minutes to reach the edge of the forest where the fields opened up and the town walls of Armindale stretched out. The walls enclosed the town proper, with the great dark cliff that housed the dungeon entrance rising from the center like an evil-looking, jagged monolith. Guild raid season was almost upon them and so tents were pitched on the fields in great numbers outside the town gates, belonging to the adventurers, merchants and craftsmen hoping to make a buck. Dire-goats pulled wagons full of supplies and dungeon loot through muddy wheel tracks, and lanterns and fires turned the low-hanging smog of the noisy workshops dirty orange. It all smelled worse than a warherd. Good thing she wasn''t staying. She moved through the motley crowds to the goat station and spent a few moments waiting in line in front of the counter until it was her turn. She could run on foot back home the way she came, but without those Pizza Delivery stat boosts, getting a ride was both quicker and more comfortable. "One ticket to Applevale." she said, sliding a coin over the counter. "And a newspaper." She got both and skimmed the newspaper pages while strolling to the third platform of the goat station. [All the big names you must know of the Eastern regions upcoming Raid season!], [Everything that''s known about the trade deal between the Crown and the Anvil], [Crown crack-down on dungeon cores may lead to material rationing, Adventurers Guild warns] [The Crowns missing herd of ¨¹bergoats spotted in the North - goats confirmed stolen by terrorists]...This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there. .... and then, as the goat-drawn train appeard on the track and approached platform 3, an article made her pause. The temple of Luen was holding some sort of flashy prophecy reveal.. in the Capital... oh yes look at this, during the final market day. Eugh. Everyone and their porters were going to the capital market to stock up for the raids. Aurias party too. It was already gonna be crowded as hell, and now they''d get a flood of pilgrims? Lily was definitely gonna be interested in whatever ''holy prophecy'' they were spray-painting the metaphorical porcelain bowl with this time. This pretty much meant they were staying ''till the end of the market, then. Ah well, she could always- - and then she slightly bumped her shoulder into someone on the platform. "How dare you bump into me, peasant!?" said a voice so haughty that it would put to shame some of the First Vampire nobles that Auria had met in her days. She non-plussedly looked up over the edge of her newspaper, at the face of a tall and well-groomed young man who looked down on her along the ridge of his nose, looking like she''s just kicked the mother of his puppy. A strict-looking knight stood slightly behind him. "You have gotten my overcoat dirty! I DEMAND that you pay for a new one!" Auria lowered the newspaper slightly and looked at his coat. "Looks squeaky clean to me." "It''s not about what you can SEE, peasant! You''ve gotten PEASANT BACTERIA on it! As the young master of the house of Eldergriffin, I demand compensation for this slight upon my honor!!" "Yeah well, nobles are usually taught basic manners, just saying. I wouldn''t mess with the Eldergriffin if I were you." Auria said and returned to leafing through the newspaper. "You know what they do with scammers who impersonate them, right? Like, there are other houses more lenient about stuff like this. Why be a moron about it." "... a scammer!? PEASANT, HOW DARE YO-" "Am I a bird?" ".. what?" "A pheasant is a ground-dwelling bird. I am a lot of things. Didn''t know I was a bird, though." Auria muttered, turning the page and passing the young ''Eldergriffin'' to get to the train cart. "Oooooh. A dungeon loot auction market..." she muttered as she boarded. "Charles!" the young man shouted, and the knight at his side stood at attention. "In the name of the ancient and forever unblemished honor of my house, MURDER THIS MINOR IN COLD BLOOD IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!" he shouted imperially, causing half the platform to turn their heads, murmur, and wisely decide to inch away. "But, young master Edmund-" said Charles. "She has insulted the Eldergriffin marquise house!" "You''re an insult to the Eldergriffin marquise house...." Auria murmured and ignored them. The cart would start moving soon and she wouldn''t have to see this batshit insane guy anymore. Like, wow. What the heeeeeeell. "Young master, your parents wouldn''t appro-" "I AM YOUR LAW!!" "... I want a raise." the knight, Charles, sighed in drawn-out regret as the whistle blew and the dire goats pulling the carts to Applevale bleated in unison. As the animals took off, and the cart started moving, slowly at first and then faster and faster, knight guy made up his mind and held on to the outside of the moving cart. He grabbed the door handle and tried to open it, but Auria on to the handle on the other side and kept it shut. The door had a window though, and the knight didn''t give up. "Look miss, I know this doesn''t look good, ''cause it really kind of ain''t-" he winced, and Auria threw her newspaper at him. It splatted across his face. "- but this doesn''t have to be a bad deal for you. I''ll just bring you in and let his parents judge the case. The Marquis and Marquess won''t stand for this kind of outrageous thing, they''ll set you up with a nice hotel room, a carriage home in the morning-" he said and pulled the newspaper off his face, "- and then you get to make a fuss and demand compensation for their sons misbehavior. You can leave unharmed with a commoners yearly salary in your pockets -" "You''re the most dedicated scammers I''ve ever met, I''ll give you that, but I make more than that every Raid season so nah." "..... wait, you what?" Charles said, his eyes opening wide as he contemplated the severity of his potential fuck-up. Auria took that opportunity to jank the door hard, opening it inwards. The knight lost his footing with a yell, fell into the cart, and then out of it as Auria buried her heel in his solar plexus and kicked him out into the night, accompanied with an undignified ''oof'' sound that quickly quieted as the dire goats pulled the train along down the tracks at a high speed. "What a pair of morons." she mumbled and regretted the loss the newspaper she hadn''t finished reading. Ah well. The Eldergriffins would probably deal with them sooner or later and their heads be placed on the spikes of their garden fence. They were kinda serious about offenses like that. She took a seat in the otherwise empty cart and leaned back until her station, eyes closed, and thought about minotaur pizza toppings.