《Right person in wrong time》
After moving to another city
Marrying to a 30 years old man in the age of 20 was the end of my fantasy world.
The most beautiful and popular girl in the whole school suddenly became an introverted shut in depressed typical gen z. Overweight, dark circles and eyebag with half the amount hair she used to have was then living in her new world that consist of one small room and a forever closed window making the room as dark as possible.
After the school i changed the town from a Out skirted to a main one. And suddenly i became all alone in that town bursting with people. But in the one which had only countable number of people had more individuals for me.
''Did i forgot to pack my soul while moving?!''
''How did everything changed so much to the point i couldn¡¯t recognize myself anymore.''
''Where did it go wrong?!''
''Is there any way to make it any better again?''
''Can i come over it somehow, anyhow?''
That''s what i kept thinking for two years in new town.
I tried to make new friends but...... When did making friends became so hard?
It wasn¡¯t this hard before. It was so easy back in the school days. Then why can''t i make even one friend now?!. What is wrong with me??!!.
''Fine. If not new friends then it¡¯s all right i still have my old friends from the school"
Thats what i thought.
"We will never be apart promise to our friendship of seven years"
She forgot.
She forgot our promise bit by bit.
''Only im calling her after moving here. Why won''t she call me once?''
"We will never hide a secret from each other promise"
She forgot even this one
I would know about her new changes from someone else.
And then some months later she told me about her new friends.
''It''s good right? She have new friends now to go to collage together''
"Collage will be super fun you will see. We will go together and do a lot of new stuff and of course we will still be the popular girls just like the school"
Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.
''No. It isn¡¯t fun. I don''t have anyone to go with. I don''t do anything fun or new and popular? Im invisible here''
''She made new friends. If she can then why can''t i?. If i can''t then maybe i''m the problem''
Problem, that''s what i thought but problems are solvable what i didn¡¯t know is that my life was about to become insoluble.
''Phone. yeah phone, let''s just spend time with it''
From spending time with it to being stuck with it, i didn¡¯t even notice when did it happen.
When other people of my age were having sleepless night in sleepovers and party''s i had sleepless nights with my phone.
When they made new memories in collage life, i cried remembering my old memories from school life.
At some point i stopped going to the collage i would only attend exams.
Surprisingly my parents never thought anything was ever wrong with me.
Waking up in the midday having breakfast after noon and dinner at 12pm and then again another sleepless night made my parent realize only one thing that is i''m useless and a failure.
Night after night i cried and cried soaking my pillow in tears.
Slowly i developed anxiety, short temper and who knows what else.
Most of the time i was having an upset stomach.
Screen of all day and night was giving me so much headache and laying down all day and night was making my body ache.
My hair was falling as if i was developing cancer cells.
Taking bath started to feel like a burden. Repeating
unwashed clothes again and again wasn¡¯t a problem at all.
When i saw myself in the mirror.... I didn¡¯t think anything.
Cause by then i stopped thinking.
It''s like a caged bird gave up after desperately trying so hard to fly and bloodied her wings and feathers that used to be the most beautiful.
Screams and nags from my parents was an everyday thing to me
My soul, body, mind was rotting. It''s like worms were coming out of my body and i started to hate every part of me. Talking of worm, lice started to swarm in my hair but i even then never felt like washing my hair. So i just cut them off.
I knew my parents gave up on me. I had no friends so i was on my own.
I needed someone. It could have been anyone to support me or at least tell me for once ''if it''s not okay then fine but don''t lose hope everything will be fine''. Yeah that much would have been enough.
I know it''s foolish but i felt like all ever needed was those words coming out of someone''s mouth. Anyone, anyone, please anyone could say it right?
But no one said it. Every saw my changes but the only thing they said is ''you changed''
Their tone told me they gave up on me. All of them. Every single person around me.
So i also gave up.
For a person who always smiled and laughed out even in a dense situation,
Suddenly tears became so cheap to me that it would flow without a reason. And i would only realise once my cheeks were hot or throat was dry.
I prayed. Night and day i prayed for death.
''Huh!! When did i became so cowered who prays for death over nothing?¡¯
Nothing- That''s what i became.
Nothing- that''s what my life became.
One year went by just like that.
I could see myself still in the same exact spot where i was one year ago.
Except for one change.
Newfound Hope
When my innerself turned into nothing and time seemed to stopped there like for ever making me stay in the same red spot of failure, something changed.
Yeah after two years of emptiness i found something was growing inside me. Or was it always there.
''Was i always that fond of writting!''
Yeah i was, i just never realized it before.
For the first time i started to line my thoughts into paper with a pen. With every word i wrote felt like putting one stone off me and throwing that stone into the dark pit in my heart to get the hopes come up so i could reach it.
Surprisingly it worked. I started to write down my wishes, dreams, regrets, apologies into poems, songs, stories and then one day into novels.
My imagination started to run wild and so vivid that i could hardly separate reality from fantasy. For the first time i was enjoying being all by myself.
After the sudden pop-up of this desire, a wish found its way into my heart. And who knows when but soon the wish evolved into a dream.
Wish is a mindful feeling of peoples fantasy and dream is an ambitious call of peoples life.
Anyone can have a wish but not everyone can afford a dream.
And among them few can hang on to the dream and few are hanging on for the dream.
I was the second one. I decided to hang in there for a bit more for the dream.
''Let''s not give up yet. Lets try once more and let''s not wait for someone else''s help to come. Let''s help myself by myself''
I learned many things and discovered how vast the writer colony is. How many ways are out there to make my first step toward my newfound dream.
I kept on walking even though it felt like impossible, i made my mind to not to give up.
I kept reminding myself of the relieve when i''ll get what im aiming for.
But in actual What kept pushing me wasn¡¯t the motivation of success but the fear of failure.
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I started to live in my dreams in the world i made with the characters i wrote. In hope that one day i would find these people in my real life.
In hope that one day maybe everything would change for better.
There i was perfect. Every and each flaw of mine was beautiful and i was apriciated for who i was. I''ve got friends in that world whom i could trust and rely on. I achieved a lot there.
Then one day in real world a love of my life would come and fill all the emptiness in my heart to fulfil me. And i''ll live with him happily for ever after.
But alas!. those are just imaginations in my head. In reality i was still alone, lonely. I still didn¡¯t have any friend nor did i achieved anything at all. And most of all i was still a failure in everyone''s eye including my parents.
To make this dream come true i had to leave the house. I had nowhere to go if i was to moving out, so i decided to fly overseas to study further. In this way i could start living by my own and didn''t have to worry about my family or marriage.
I tried so hard and passed the ielts with a good mark even though i never really liked studying. I was preparing for entrance exam of diffrent collages because i was planning to apply for need based scholarship as i wasn¡¯t very good at study nor my family could afford to send me to another country to study.
So i studied day and night even though i felt like giving up every now and then. The pressure made me feel like the gravity collapsed on me. Not only my body but the mind was getting sick too but i had to leave this household in order to fulfill my dream. And just when i thought i can do it
my parents took the matter in their hand and decided to get me married off with someone. They arranged diffrent meetings with diffrent proposals. Once again it broke my heart. I knew i was gonna become a burden pretty soon but this came too soon.
Out of the fear of getting kicked out with just anyone, i started to look for jobs. But there weren¡¯t many jobs for collage students in my area. After searching for couple of months while fearing the time was running out i finally found a small job. But the problem was that the job was paying too little that didn¡¯t even cover the cost of my three meals.
I realized i still can''t quit just because it isn¡¯t a proper job. I started to keep doing it even though i never really liked it.
But at the end time or was it my luck that ran out.
After all those meeting they decided on a 35 years old man for me. I didn¡¯t have any say in that. He was shorter than me half head bald. But what mattered that he was rich,,right?
All i could do is pray and in my prayers tears were the explanation of my pain. My surrounding turned into black from blue but i realized i stayed the same as before, numb.
No words came out of mouth. Even though i wanted to scream.
But the forgiveness they showed me after what i did was also immense. So I stood there and saw them hammering on my hard work and destroying my dream like it''s nothing.
''Nothing - yeah i remember that''s what i am''
''Nothing - that''s what i should''ve stayed right?''
''Why did i even thought of being something. I shouldn¡¯t have tried so hard and make things more difficult for myself and my family. I can never change. im repaying for my sins''.
And after two months i moved out of my old cage to a new cage.