《His Present》


 CH 1

    ¡°What¡¯s the date today?¡±


    He asked me, and I was stunned for a moment. I quickly looked up at the calendar and replied, ¡°The seventh day of the first lunar month.¡±


    He didn¡¯t say anything and I added in a lighter tone, ¡°Three more days until February 14, Valentine¡¯s Day.¡±


    With a gloomy expression, he got up heavily and went back to the house, as if what he was about to spend was not Valentine¡¯s Day, but Qingming Festival1.


    So the smile on my face slowly faded.


    Perhaps for him, it was indeed the Qingming Festival.


    I was actually glad that he was willing to talk to me today. Although he and I lived in the same house, he treated me as if I were a piece of talking furniture¡ªhe rarely even looked at me.


    We met regularly, but it was sad to see how far our relationship had become.


    I could probably guess why he suddenly asked me this question.


    Because in a few days, it would be my first year living with him, and the first year his lover has disappeared.


    I wanted to spend Valentine¡¯s Day with him too.


    But I, for one, couldn¡¯t say it.


    Within the first month of my return, he found out once and for all that I was not his lover.


    Maybe he thought I just had amnesia before? However, perhaps because the gap between me and that person before was so big, he finally couldn¡¯t hold back and said directly, ¡°You¡¯re not Ze¡¯an, aren¡¯t you?¡±


    I wanted to say that I was Ze¡¯an, I always had been. But when I met his sure, suspicious, and slightly questioning gaze, I realised which Ze¡¯an he was talking about.


    But I really was Ze¡¯an. My mouth opened and closed, hesitating and not knowing how to respond to him.


    He said, ¡°You like spicy food, but Ze¡¯an can¡¯t touch any spicy food. You like to play games, Ze¡¯an never plays games. You only know how to code and program, Ze¡¯an can draw and sing, but you are tone deaf¡­¡±


    He paused slightly, ¡°On top of that, Ze¡¯an is left-handed and you¡¯re not.¡±


    ¡°Your handwriting is completely different.¡±


    I was stunned when I heard it. I didn¡¯t expect that in just one month, he had figured out all the details.


    He said again, ¡°Who are you? Where is Ze¡¯an?¡±


    I calmed my breathing, met his eyes and smiled, ¡°Ji Qin, I really am Ze¡¯an.¡±


    I swore I wasn¡¯t lying.


    He frowned and was about to speak when I said, ¡°But it¡¯s true that the Ze¡¯an you spoke of is no longer here.¡±


    ¡°¡ªhe¡¯s gone.¡±


    I made a gesture that he had departed from my head and said with a smile.


    His expression went blank for a moment as if all the light in his life had been taken from him by me. I pursed my lips and slowly withdrew my smile.


    It was hard to come back, but I didn¡¯t seem to be welcomed.

 CH 2

    Ji Qin liked to fish out what I knew regarding that Ze¡¯an very much. He resisted looking at me directly, yet he wanted to know everything about that one person.


    ¡°When will he come back?¡± Ji Qin often asked me this question.


    I said honestly, ¡°I don¡¯t think he¡¯s coming back.¡±


    The man had only lived in my body for a short time, and I hadn¡¯t expected him to be so popular. It was as if now I was a dove who had taken over the magpie¡¯s nest.


    Ji Qin fell into silence again, I leaned over and changed the subject with a smile, ¡°There¡¯s a new movie that¡¯s been released recently. I¡¯ve seen good reviews on the internet, do you want to go see it?¡±


    He took a big step back as if he had encountered a beast and didn¡¯t dare to look at me as he hurried back to his room.


    I grimaced; he was such a buzzkill.


    That Ze¡¯an was inside me for only two years. It was a pity that I didn¡¯t know have an inkling about what had happened so far. Otherwise, I would like to imitate that person a little, so that the difference between him and me would not be so big, and people would not find the difference in a short time.


    I also changed jobs. The fake Ze¡¯an had worked as a studio teacher for the past two years, and I didn¡¯t know anything about drawing. After I quit, I applied for a job as a programmer. Fortunately, my diploma was my own, so it was not too difficult to find a job.


    Fake Ze¡¯an¡¯s seemed to have a cold personality. He hadn¡¯t posted much about his life in the Moments in recent years, and there were few photos in the album. I casually flipped through the address book and was stunned. He even sent only send messages in a few words to others, and if he could solve it in one word, you would never send more than that.


    He was not afraid to offend people.


    God, it was too different from my personality.


    But he was so well-liked that I was often approached to get together. I refused several times for fear of blowing my cover until one day another person came to me and I agreed.


    Finally, it was someone I knew.


    My college classmate Fu Shan.


    I breathed a sigh of relief as I saw his invitation. In the past few months, I always felt like an evil spirit who had stolen someone else¡¯s body. I didn¡¯t even dare to socialise too much with people when I went to work and came home every day.


    In fact, Fu Shan and I were actually quite close, and I remember seeing each other quite a lot in the past. She knew exactly what was going on inside me. I retraced the chat log several times and felt there should be no problem, so I braced up and answered the appointment.


    In the end, Fu Shan¡¯s appearance also changed. In my memory, she had that well-behaved girl look with flat bangs, black, long straight hair, and massive energy as a student. Now she looked much more mature, with delicate makeup on her face, a big perm, and expensive-looking clothes. It seemed that she had become a mature white-collar woman.


    I waved away the unfamiliarity in my heart and called her with a smile as I did before, ¡°Ah1 Shan!¡±


    Fu Shan, in turn, was particularly not used to it and looked up at me in amazement.


    I¡¯d had too many of those looks recently, and I smiled awkwardly, ¡°What are you looking at me for?¡±


    Fu Shan frowned and after a moment of silence said, ¡°You haven¡¯t called me that for a long time.¡±


    I didn¡¯t know what to say and hurriedly asked the waiter to order. I remembered that Fu Shan also liked spicy food. We used to order very spicy hot pot together and said that we would live in Chongqing, Sichuan in the future. But because of the fake Ze¡¯an, I didn¡¯t dare to order anything too spicy. After the waiter asked me how spicy I said I wanted, I had just said medium spicy when Fu Shan stopped me.


    ¡°Forget it. It¡¯s not like you can eat spicy right now.¡± Her tone was indifferent, ¡°Let¡¯s have a mandarin duck pot.¡±


    I was dumbfounded as I watched the waiter nod and leave. Fu Shan sighed again and said to me, ¡°Ze¡¯an, I¡¯m calling you out this time to talk to you about something.¡±


    I saw that she didn¡¯t look happy, so I said carefully, ¡°What¡¯s wrong.¡±


    She paused again for a moment and said, ¡°I thought about what you said last time and thought you were right, so I¡¯m not going to leave.¡±


    I was filled with confusion and a little nervous. What the fake Ze¡¯an had said to her?


    ¡°Where were you going?¡± I asked anxiously, Fu Shan was the person I cared about the most apart from my parents and Ji Qin, but I actually knew nothing about her now.


    Fu Shan gave me a strange look, ¡°What¡¯s wrong with you? My company wanted to send me to work in Singapore before, and I can¡¯t bear to part with Song ge. Didn¡¯t you persuade me to stay? I thought about it carefully and think you are right.¡±


    I was stuck. Who was Song ge again?


    I¡¯ve been away for those two years without knowing anything about everything, so depressing.


    ¡°But I still have to think about what to say to the company¡­¡­.¡± Fu Shan sighed and said enviously, ¡°Ze¡¯an, I really envy you, you have grown up a lot, and you are not as reckless as before. If you were me, I¡¯m sure it wouldn¡¯t bother me as much.¡±


    I snorted and said embarrassedly, ¡°Haha, I¡¯m that good, huh?¡±


    Fu Shan said, ¡°Yeah, every time I talk to you, I feel like I learn a lot. Looking back now, we were really too stupid and innocent before¡­¡±


    I watched her sigh in silence, not knowing what to say. Coincidentally, the hotpot was being served, and I pretended to say that I wanted to eat so that I wouldn¡¯t have time to talk about something that wasn¡¯t there.


    I stared at the mandarin duck pot, thought for a while, and put the ingredients into the clear soup pot.


    ¡­Ah, I feel so sad.

 CH 3

    After I split up with Fu Shan, I felt very tired. I felt that a long time ago, my life was very simple, and I was happy every day. In Fu Shan¡¯s words, as happy as a fool every day.


    But after I came back, I was very unhappy.


    I liked Ji Qin very much, but Ji Qin had the words unwelcome written all over his face. I met my best friend, Fu Shan, and it turned out that she also preferred that fake Ze¡¯an.


    What am I left with? Oh, my parents¡­


    I perked up a little. I chatted with my parents on WeChat in the past few days, and I didn¡¯t expose any flaws. They were the ones who gave birth to me and raised me, so they wouldn¡¯t dislike me too, right?


    I immediately bought a bunch of flowers, fruits and vegetables and rushed to my old home. My mother opened the door, I hadn¡¯t seen her for two years, and the moment I saw her, tears fell from my eyes, and I shouted, ¡°Mom!¡±


    Two years was not a long time, but it was not a short time either. I felt that my mother had more grey hair on her head, and I don¡¯t know if it was just my illusion.


    My mother sighed and complained, ¡°Why are you so emotional all of a sudden? And you¡¯re carrying so many things. What are you crying for? Come on in.¡±


    I wiped away my tears and followed her into the house, ¡°Where¡¯s dad?¡±


    My mother carried my things to the living room and said, ¡°He¡¯ll be back later. What do you want to eat tonight, why are you here all of a sudden, I¡¯ll buy it for you.¡±


    ¡°Ah, I remember you told me last time that liked my crucian carp soup best. Should I get the fish?¡±


    I was stunned when I heard the words. My mother¡¯s crucian carp soup was indeed very good, but my favourite was her braised pork ribs. I could finish two bowls of rice with the soup.


    Unable to erase the presence of the fake Ze¡¯an, I had to laugh, ¡°What about braised pork ribs? I want to eat it too.¡±


    My mother was about to leave the house, and when she heard my words, she turned back and said, ¡°You want ribs again? Didn¡¯t you say you didn¡¯t think it was refreshing enough? I haven¡¯t made them in ages¡­¡±


    I gave her a perfunctory mumble and she didn¡¯t bother to say too much, told me to wait and merrily went off to buy groceries.


    I was annoyed by the presence of the fake Ze¡¯an, but I couldn¡¯t help it.


    Dad returned in the evening and wasn¡¯t surprised to see me. He smiled and said, ¡°You¡¯ve come to see us again, I was still nagging at you for not coming a while ago.¡±


    My hand that was holding the ribs stopped. Does the while ago refer to the time when I first returned?


    In fact, it hadn¡¯t been that long, but I was a bit scared to meet my parents because of everything I¡¯d been through so far. I thought of first relying on texting and exchanging messages to gain a little sense of security before going to them, so the changes wouldn¡¯t be so noticeable.


    My mother said, ¡°Yeah, you visit us every now and then. Don¡¯t you still get annoyed with us in college? It seems like you¡¯ve really grown up. Now you and I could chatter and listen to each other patiently. How nice it would have been.¡±


    I stared at the rice in the bowl and said softly, ¡°Is that so¡­¡±


    As if thinking of something, Dad smiled and said, ¡°How¡¯s xiao Ji doing these days? Why didn¡¯t he come along?¡±


    Huh? Which xiao Ji?


    ¡­Ji Qin?


    My brain took a hit and for a moment and I didn¡¯t get what they meant¡ªdid the fake Ze¡¯an even come out1 for me¡­¡­


    ¡°It¡¯s not a fight, is it?¡± My mother looked at my expression. As if she had realized something, put down her chopsticks and started preaching, ¡°I think xiao Ji likes you very much. Now that you have grown up, you should be considerate and understanding of each other when you live together, you know? It all comes down to this. Don¡¯t do that silent treatment to the other person ah¡­¡­¡±


    The moon was high in the trees when I returned, my head was blank as I carried a box of chocolates for Ji Qin that my parents had forced on me.


    The fake Ze¡¯an, he did a really good job¡­


    He was filial, mature, brave, stable and understanding. He was so good at everything, everyone loved him, and who else would want to look back at the plain, ordinary, silly me?


    How was I supposed to continue my life as the original owner of this body?

 CH 4

    Ji Qin asked me again if the former Ze¡¯an would come back.


    I was actually unusually tired those days and didn¡¯t want to socialise with anyone, yet he came over to ask me that question again.


    I told him helplessly, ¡°You know, I¡¯m actually Ze¡¯an, and that Ze¡¯an is an outsider.¡±


    When Ji Qin heard the words, his expression froze slightly, as if he was unhappy.


    ¡°So will he be back or not?¡± he asked, unwilling to give up. ¡°For example, the real him, coming back in a different form. What I like about him is the person he is, not his appearance.¡±


    What I like about him is the person he is.


    I lost my mind. I envy that Ze¡¯an so much.


    I took a moment before saying, ¡°Maybe he will.¡±


    These words felt like they took a great deal of my strength again, and I felt I couldn¡¯t feign composure to stand in front of Ji Chin, so I hurried to my room and closed the door.


    I¡¯m so tired, why no one likes me now?


    They all prefer that Ze¡¯an. My friend, my parents, the person I like, and so I too began to wonder why I had come back. I was like a villain, no one expected me to return.


    It was as if trying so hard to come back was just to make a fool of myself.


    My first head-to-head encounter with Ji Qin was at the class¡¯s graduation party.


    I had had a crush on Ji Qin for so long, but Ji Qin was so indifferent to strangers, and I have no idea what to do. Except for secretly following him with my eyes, which I only feared would turn him off.


    It wasn¡¯t until the year he graduated that one of Fu Shan¡¯s best friends got together with one of the boys in Ji Qin¡¯s class, and Fu Shan cheekily asked to be able to attend the graduation party, bringing me along with her.


    I was so excited that I tidied myself up and went to participate.


    Their graduation party was first held in a popular restaurant for students. After everyone finished eating, they changed the venue to a KTV1. There were about twenty people in total. Unfortunately, I was not able to share a table with Ji Qin in the restaurant, but I finally got to sit opposite him at the KTV thanks to Fu Shan¡¯s help.


    Ji Qin didn¡¯t sing and was playing with his phone with an indifferent expression on his face, so I secretly raised my eyes to look at him, to see his beautiful brows and slender fingers, and the more I looked, the more I liked him. This was the first time I was so close to him.


    Ji Qin suddenly put away his phone, as if he noticed my gaze, and raised his head in my direction, just in time to capture the gaze I didn¡¯t have time to retract.


    At the moment when our eyes met, my brain was stunned, my cheeks quickly flushed red, and even a little sweat broke out on my body. I quickly avoided his gaze, I was so nervous that I didn¡¯t know what to do.


    Would he find out that I liked him?


    After singing on KTV for a long time, a group of people couldn¡¯t help but get tired of singing. There was a lot of commotion about playing a game of Truth or Dare, and they ordered alcohol as if they wouldn¡¯t return until they were drunk.


    I was nervous again because I couldn¡¯t drink.


    But Fu Shan pulled me to let me participate, she thought it was a very good opportunity to get close to Ji Qin. Generally speaking, after a few rounds of games like this, everyone would be able to get to know each other well. I thought it was reasonable.


    I could only secretly pray that I won¡¯t be pulled to drink.


    In the first few rounds, perhaps God heard my prayers and I was safe. Ji Qin was chosen to have a Dare of eating a Pocky with a girl. He refused and ended up drinking a whole glass of wine. While I was secretly happy, I was also a little disappointed.


    He didn¡¯t seem to like this type of game.


    In the end, I didn¡¯t expect that in the next round, it would be my turn to be selected for a 15-second mouth-to-mouth Dare with No. 4. I was taken aback by the noise of a group of people shouting and cheering. I was about to just let it go about not drinking, and found that No. 4 was actually Ji Qin.


    I was dumbfounded and looked at him blankly, and he frowned at me, his gaze was dark and unclear.


    Through the atmosphere, I somehow got a little courage. This was a great opportunity, if, if this was the last time I could see Ji Qin¡­


    I plucked up my courage and leaned in his direction. He frowned and seemed to duck backwards as if trying to hide. I didn¡¯t give him this chance, and I reached out and quickly pressed the back of his head¡ª


    The next second, I put my lips lightly on his lips.


    The people around seemed to be screaming, and I couldn¡¯t hear it very clearly, but I could clearly hear Ji Qin¡¯s messy breathing, and I could even smell the faint smell of alcohol on him¡ªit should have been the party dare he drank. It all made me dizzy, and I felt as if I was dreaming, but I knew for sure that it wasn¡¯t.


    Someone was counting down, and I pressed my lips against him a little nervously, and I was suddenly eager to taste the wine he¡¯d just had, so I did so. I carefully stuck my tongue out and licked his lips, he was drinking a fruity c-cktail that was sweet and I liked it so much that I forgot that I never seemed to have had alcohol before.


    I was still in a daze when I suddenly felt as if the tip of my tongue had been licked. I was startled, and before I could react, I was pushed away by Ji Qin.


    Someone next to him shouted, ¡°Fifteen seconds is up!¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re too brave, Fang Ze¡¯an! You actually dare to go!¡±


    ¡­


    I dumbly touched my lips and subconsciously went to look at Ji Qin across the room. His lips became very rosy, he stared at me for a while and withdrew his gaze with a puzzled look.


    ¡­Did he just kiss me?

 CH 5

    Today was a sunny day.


    After I muddled along without any aim for some time, I began to gradually figure out that my return might indeed be meaningless.


    I had a talk with the grim reaper on the other side.


    I used to love my life, everything I had, my good friends, my parents, and even the college days when I stared at Ji Qin for so long and had a crush on him.


    We kissed at Ji Qin¡¯s university graduation party.


    After the kiss, I didn¡¯t feel like playing anymore and pretended to be embarrassed and said I wanted to withdraw. In reality, my heartbeat had engulfed all the noise in the room, and my mind had no room for anything else.


    Ji Qin also said that he was going to withdraw. He didn¡¯t look at me and silently sipped a glass of wine.


    I sneaked up on him and then shyly asked him for his WeChat.


    Ji Qin didn¡¯t say anything, he looked at me with great interest, as if he was thinking carefully, and scrutinizing me. Just when I was disappointed that he was going to refuse, he opened his phone and asked me to add him.


    I was ecstatic and grinned to the fullest.


    The first step in a long journey, I made it.


    After that, I would send messages to Ji Qin every day and tell him about my daily life. I would also say good morning and good night to him or forward some short articles that I thought were funny.


    Surprisingly, Ji Qin would reply.


    I was elated and drifted off thinking I was in a relationship with Ji Qin, and when I told Fu Shan about it, she was also very optimistic about our relationship.


    Could I really chase after Ji Qin?


    I really wanted to take the initiative to ask him out, just the two of us, but I didn¡¯t dare to. Just like this, summer vacation was almost over, until one day, Ji Qin suddenly said to me, ¡°Are you free tomorrow?¡±


    I froze, and some kind of premonition rushed through my head. I didn¡¯t have time to confirm before I replied back in seconds, ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°Can you come out to meet me?¡± Ji Qin said, ¡°I have something to tell you.¡±


    The next day, I couldn¡¯t wait to rush out the door, but I never saw him again.


    It was also a sunny day, and I felt the daylight was so sunny it blocked my vision, and then I heard a blaring sound of a car.


    I was gone.


    The grim reaper told me that I was dead.


    I was in so much pain, thinking that I would never see my parents who loved me again, my lovely Fu Shan, and Ji Qin again¡ªI told the grim reaper that I didn¡¯t want to die.


    The grim reaper told me that at best I would be a vegetative person who would not wake up.


    I began to despair, not knowing what to do. In the midst of the darkness, the black shadow, probably feeling I am too unlucky, said to me, ¡°There is another way.¡±


    I began to think that I had heard it wrong and looked up excitedly as the grim reaper said slowly, ¡°There is a soul in a similar situation to you, but his time has not come, and he can¡¯t go back to his physical body. Let him stay in your body for enough time, and you just take a good rest during that time. A rest for your soul and a punishment for running a red light and disrupting traffic.¡±


    Huh? Something doesn¡¯t feel right about having someone replace me. With different behaviour patterns, won¡¯t it be discovered?


    I asked my question, and the grim reaper said, ¡°No one will know. People who believe in science will only think that you have amnesia or a split personality. When you go back, you will say that you are cured.¡±


    He said it as if everything was already a matter of course, and I was convinced by him to agree to this solution.


    I didn¡¯t want to be in a vegetative state, and I didn¡¯t want to die like that.


    That I would feel so sorry.


    Everything was clearly just beginning.


    After that, my eyes went black and I fell into a deep sleep. Sometimes I seemed to hear some buzzing human voices, sometimes I couldn¡¯t, and everything that had happened over the years felt like a dream to me.


    Something was wrong, would I never wake up again?


    Would someone ever forget my existence?


    I started to get anxious for no reason, I struggled to wake up. I asked the grim reaper if it was the time, that I wanted to go back, and I couldn¡¯t take it anymore.


    The grim reaper was silent for a very long time this time, and I felt as if he was staring at me, with a look that I didn¡¯t understand, like a pity.


    After a long time, he said, You should go back.

 CH 6

    Since my return, many changes had taken place in my mind.


    Beginning with panic, discomfort, and struggle, to feeling unwilling and trying very hard in between¡­ to finally resigned to fate and be at peace.


    I really, really did try very hard and so much.


    I tried to become mature and stable, and I also started to bring home all sorts of maintenance and health products when I see my parents and learned to help them share some of the chores and miscellaneous tasks of life. But perhaps I had it too easy for the first half of my life and I still did so badly that my parents finally sighed and took over the work under me with a smile.


    ¡°Forget it, just go just go and rest if you don¡¯t want to.¡± they said.


    I embarrassedly said, ¡°No, II really don¡¯t know how to¡­¡± wash and scale fish, but they didn¡¯t seem to believe it and kicked me out of the kitchen.


    Actually, I can learn, practice makes perfect, you know?


    But the previous Ze¡¯an was so good at it that my earnest learning process was considered perfunctory.


    Ugh.


    I also learned to give various suggestions to Fu Shan, who came to consult me ??about relationship issues.


    But still, I personally was someone with one track of mind. When I saw Fu Shan complaining about her boyfriend, I listened to her from her point of view as before, and said angrily, ¡°Just break up, the next one would be much better.¡±


    Instead, Fu Shan was stunned, and asked me hesitantly, ¡°Should we really break up? ¡­ Ze¡¯an, look at it objectively, he is actually quite good sometimes¡­¡±


    I regret that I couldn¡¯t live up to the expectation, ¡°Didn¡¯t you say that he doesn¡¯t reply to you very much?¡±


    Fu Shan said, ¡°Yes, but Song Ge used to be like this too. He is a person who doesn¡¯t talk much online. Mostly in other places¡­¡±


    She hesitated for a while, then sighed.


    ¡°Forget it, I¡¯ll think about it myself. Ze¡¯an, you should go to bed earlier too.¡±


    I seemed to hear this sigh often.


    From my parents, from my friends, and from everyone around me.


    I started to question my own existence and hated myself for not being able to do anything well. I started to understand the sympathetic gaze of the grim reaper at that time; I shouldn¡¯t really have come back, should I? I was really self-indulgent and thought of myself as someone special.


    Obviously, what everyone needed was the other Ze¡¯an.


    But apart from Ji Qin, who I spent a lot of time with, no one seemed to realize that I was no longer the Ze¡¯an I used to be.


    I also tried to be close to Ji Qin


    Because of the fake Ze¡¯an¡¯s absence, he actually lived a very depressing life, but he did not accept my comfort. As I¡¯ve said before, he didn¡¯t want to see me and even dreaded seeing me.


    Hey, I actually, could understand.


    But still, I was very sad and didn¡¯t know who to talk to.


    When Ji Qin came back one day, he was drunk. He didn¡¯t find the key at the door, so he naturally called me and gently called on the phone, Ze¡¯an Ze¡¯an, open the door quickly.


    I was flattered. In fact that he hadn¡¯t called me a single time before that.


    I rushed to the entrance to open the door for him two steps at a time. Ji Qin, with drunken eyes, leaned on the door sill and said to me with a smile, ¡°Ze¡¯an, I knew you would come back.¡±


    I pursed my lips, not daring to look at him directly, and with great difficulty picked up his heavy body, and prepared to take him to his room.


    He was still whispering, ¡°I knew it, Ze¡¯an, I¡¯ve been waiting for you¡­¡±


    I really wish I was deaf at this point.


    When I finally put him on the bed, he was suddenly very uncooperative. He wouldn¡¯t let me touch him and resisted my attempts to take off his jacket.


    ¡°Zean, are you leaving?¡±


    ¡°You want me to go to bed early and then leave, right?¡±


    I was helpless. It was the first time I saw such a childish Ji Qin, but I was also very sad because no matter what Ji Qin appeared to be, it was not for me.


    ¡°Ze¡¯an, are you going¡­¡±


    In the end, Ji Qin seemed tired and took my hand and said softly, his tone seemed to be pleading.


    My heart ached with it.


    I sat beside him and slowly leaned over and hugged him, he seemed to be stunned for a second, then wrapped his arms around me more tightly the next second.


    I soothed him and said, ¡°I¡¯m not leaving.¡±


    He loved listening to this sentence, and his body relaxed a little, and his grip on my hand was not so hard anymore.


    So I continued, ¡°I¡¯m not leaving.¡±


    I kept repeating these words until I was a little numb myself. Until I felt that he was completely at ease.


    He suddenly turned his head and put his lips on mine.


    I was startled, the kiss was very light and nimble, and before I could react, the warmth on my lips had disappeared.


    Ji Qin narrowed his eyes in confusion, ¡°Ze¡¯an, why are you crying?¡±


    Notes:


    Coz of you, duh

 CH 7

    In Ji Qin¡¯s dream, the Ze¡¯an he loved was always by his side.


    In other words, he always believed that Ze¡¯an would come back, so he endured the days of continuing to see me without looking up, enduring the me who had a very different personality from his lover but was using the same body.


    Did I cry¡­?


    I slowly stroked my cheek, which was indeed wet.


    I hadn¡¯t cried for a long time, and I had always been a happy-go-lucky person since I was a child. Of course, I¡¯ve bawled my eyes a lot about some things in my life that didn¡¯t go my way, but never had the grief come in such a huge and intangible way as it did now.


    Ji Qin suddenly took my hand and murmured, ¡°Don¡¯t cry, Ze¡¯an.¡±


    I stared at him with teary eyes, is he talking to me? He wasn¡¯t, was he? No one was, everyone was trying to talk to the fake Ze¡¯an through the shell. No one could see my grief.


    Ji Qin looked at me and sighed, ¡°Don¡¯t be so sad, Ze¡¯an¡­ I¡¯m so sad too.¡±


    After he said that, he leaned down and kissed me again.


    This time, it was no longer a simple lip contact, his tongue was entangled with mine gently. Perhaps sensing my tears, his movements became softer after a slight pause, as if he was soothing me.


    It was clearly a dreamy moment¡­


    So then, I slowly closed my eyes.


    When I woke up that day, Ji Qin was still holding me tightly. I was a little overwhelmed, and more over, it seemed like unreal happiness.


    I pretended that this was an ordinary morning.


    Ji Qin, whom I had always loved, and I fell asleep with our arms around each other like normal lovers. Then I would wake up first and trace the outline of my sleeping lover who was close at hand with my eyes, praying that this moment would last forever.


    Until he woke up.


    My own beautiful dream also shattered the moment Ji Qin spoke.


    ¡°It¡¯s you?¡± Ji Qin met my infatuated gaze and instantly sobered up. His handsome brows furrowed in what looked like disgust.


    I unconsciously stepped back a little and pulled out a smile, ¡°Good morning.¡±


    Ji Qin stopped looking at me and got up in silence to change his clothes and prepare to leave.


    Was it time to go back to the time he regarded me as the air before?


    I was a little flustered and hurriedly called him, ¡°Wait, Ji Qin¡­¡±


    He paused for a moment but didn¡¯t stop.


    ¡°Why do you like the former Ze¡¯an so much?¡± I gritted my teeth and continued, ¡°He and I obviously shared the same body, and I¡¯ve actually been interested in you¡­¡±


    ¡°I was drunk yesterday.¡± Ji Qin interrupted me.


    I was stuck for a moment, momentarily unsure whether to continue the confession.


    ¡°When I¡¯m sober, I can recognize the difference between you at a glance. You are two people,¡± he said. ¡°I wish you would stop talking about him.¡±


    I gave a dull sigh.


    He hesitated.


    ¡°If ¡­¡­ I gave you any false impressions yesterday, I hope you won¡¯t take them to heart.¡±


    I smiled stiffly, ¡°I¡­know.¡±


    Ji Qin stopped talking, changed his clothes and left the bedroom. The door was gently closed, and I was left quietly inside, everything was so logical.


    I suddenly wanted to have a conversation with the fake Ze¡¯an, whom I had never actually met, but with whom I felt I was already familiar.


    The fake Ze¡¯an and Ji Qin had been together for so long, how did he feel when he was forcibly squeezed out of his body by me? He must be¡­ sad too.


    And it was not easy for Ji Qin, who saw my face every day but knew deep down that I was not his lover, to still be painfully strong.


    It suddenly dawned on me that maybe I was the one who should go.


    People really shouldn¡¯t make fools of themselves.


    Notes:


    Ack! Ze¡¯an!!!! I already read couple of Youlan¡¯s work to know I really don¡¯t like how the story developed¡­

 CH 8

    Hello everyone, it¡¯s still me today.


    Recently, I¡¯ve been feeling more and more that I can¡¯t really do anything right.


    In fact, my parents had always spoiled me. They were busy with work, but since I was young, they never forced me to go to any after-school cram school, nor did they keep an eye on their children¡¯s grades as other parents did. They just wanted me to do something that I liked in my spare time.


    But even so, I was still unhappy with their busy schedules and had a long rebellious period where I didn¡¯t want to talk to them on the phone and refused to communicate. I complained that they used to care less and now that they were in menopause, they were nagging every day.


    Now that I thought about it, I regretted doing so in the first place.


    Fake Ze¡¯an completely won the hearts of my parents to the point that I always felt a little uncomfortable when I saw them now. They obviously preferred the fake Ze¡¯an, and they even wondered why I was so different from before.


    While Fu Shan¡­she no longer needed a friend who could only be foolish all day long. Now she needed a confidant who understood her and could help her share her worries.


    Then Ji Qin¡­


    Oh yeah, I screwed up work too.


    I was really useless, probably because I slept for two years before I graduated from college. At that time, it was fake Ze¡¯an who helped me get the diploma. He was learning to code while working part-time as an art teacher and accomplishing every task so well¡ªinstead, I had to refresh even the basics so much when I got the job that I was scolded by my leaders every day.


    I was staring at a lengthy tirade sent to me by my leader the other day when someone called me suddenly, and I picked it up in a daze. I didn¡¯t know the person who called me, but the other person obviously knew me well.


    ¡°Teacher Fang, I haven¡¯t been in touch with you recently. How are you?¡±


    I knew instantly that this call was not for me.


    I was just about to hang up when the other party said quickly, ¡°My child really likes you so much, and he doesn¡¯t take any other art teacher seriously except you. He said that it must be you. So I want to ask if you still accept private work? A week¡¯s salary is negotiable¡­¡±


    It was ironic, the leader wished I would leave the next day, but the fake Ze¡¯an was so missed by others, and he¡¯s a must. The gap between the two was really too big¡­


    I laughed dryly and said, ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I¡¯ve been very busy lately¡­¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s okay, Teacher Fang, as long as you have free time, we can always¡­¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve got something to do, I¡¯ll hang up now!¡± Unable to listen any longer, I hurriedly hung up the phone and fell back into self-loathing.


    Jealousy. It was jealousy, and being jealous was undesirable.


    Jealousy made people ugly.


    ¡­but, I was really jealous.


    I went to Fake Ze¡¯an¡¯s studio, where the fake Ze¡¯an usually created works here or taught the students to draw. Ji Qin won¡¯t let me in, but he happened to be away today.


    I also wanted to draw a picture, but I didn¡¯t have the basics, I just thought¡­ Is it possible that I actually have a little artistic cell?


    Fake Ze¡¯an¡¯s studio was full of paintings. It was full of landscape paintings and still life oil paintings. The colour palette and lighting effects were really beautifully handled and were at a height I couldn¡¯t match.


    I wanted to paint a picture, but I didn¡¯t want to do it like him.


    Why don¡¯t I paint a portrait of a person¡­


    Should I draw Ji Qin?


    I must not be good at it, but when it came to portraits, I could only seem to think of him.


    I didn¡¯t want to draw myself, I was so disappointing right now.


    My parents, Fu Shan, didn¡¯t love me anymore, and of course, Ji Qin didn¡¯t love me either.


    But Ji Qin at least recognized me, albeit in a way that wasn¡¯t friendly but made me feel like the real me.


    So, no matter what, he was always special to me.


    I sometimes wished I could ask him what he was trying to say to me the day I had my accident. Would it have been what I thought it would be, or was it just an ordinary friend appointment?


    If there was time¡­I¡¯ll just ask.

 CH 9

    I drew Ji Qin according to a photograph and outlined it very carefully. I know that I had not studied painting before, and the painting was very mediocre, but I was going to try my best to make this painting look like Ji Qin in my mind.


    To the best of my ability.


    This photo was a photo of Ji Qin that I had on my mobile phone a long time ago, and it was also my favourite one¡ªwhen I went to see Ji Qin play basketball in college. That day as he finished a game and walked off the court, the sunlight fell on his face and made him glow. I looked at him from a distance, and I thought, he was someone from a divine place in my mind.


    When I heard the sound of the door opening, I stood up in a bit of a panic, and immediately put away the drawing board which had only just revealed the outline of the figure.


    In the end, because I was not familiar with the placement of the studio, I accidentally bumped and made a slight noise.


    ¡°Who¡¯s in there?¡±


    Ji Qin¡¯s voice immediately came from outside the door. I cursed inwardly, looked around and didn¡¯t find any place to hide, and the next second Ji Qin opened the door.


    ¡°Why are you¡­¡± The anticipated rebuke didn¡¯t come, and Ji Qin¡¯s face, which always looked indifferent showed a confused look. He seemed to hesitate for a while, and said uncertainly, ¡°Ze¡¯an?¡±


    I stammered, my face and my ears red with embarrassment, ¡°Sorry, I just came to see it out of curiosity. I didn¡¯t do anything irresponsible¡­¡±


    Ji Qin was silent, I glanced up at him cautiously to find him in a trance, and the disappointment was visible to the naked eye.


    ¡°It¡¯s all Ze¡¯an¡¯s stuff here,¡± he said, his eyes swept over the oil painting on the ground with restraint and gentleness, and finally slowly turned to my face.


    ¡°I haven¡¯t touched anything in there, and I hope you won¡¯t either.¡±


    His tone was flat, but I found it more upsetting than any rebuke.


    ¡°¡­Sorry.¡± After a long time, I said softly.


    I walked out of the fake Ze¡¯an¡¯s studio in silence. Ji Qin closed the door behind me before heading straight for his room.


    ¡°Ji Qin!¡± I called out to him reluctantly, and he stopped at the sound but did not turn around.


    ¡°Are you¡­ still waiting for the fake Ze¡¯an to come back?¡± I said.


    Ji Qin turned around abruptly, and I noticed blue veins on the back of his hand as if he was restraining something.


    ¡°Ze¡¯an is Ze¡¯an, don¡¯t call him fake Ze¡¯an.¡±


    I was taken aback.


    ¡°I told you before¡­ I am the real Ze¡¯an. That man only borrowed my body for a short time to live in.¡±


    Ji Qin said, ¡°¡­how is it possible, he was obviously a man of his own.¡±


    I was at a loss. It turned out that Ji Qin thought from the beginning that it was me, not Ze¡¯an, who occupied the magpie¡¯s nest, and he hadn¡¯t believed me at all.


    How could ¡­¡­ this be?


    ¡°So, you¡¯ve been waiting for me to disappear and for him to come back?¡±


    I asked him with a trembling voice, hiding my trembling fingers behind my back.


    Ji Qin was silent, but I guessed probably that this was he tacitly agreed.


    All this time, I actually wanted to be nice to Ji Qin.


    Even though we seemed to be the most ordinary roommates at the moment, and even if he almost never looked at me, I still left a light on for him every time he comes home from work. I always had the coffee ready in the coffee machine, and I always prepared breakfast for two, and each time I gave it to him for the reason that I couldn¡¯t eat it. He resisted it from the beginning, and then accepted it when he couldn¡¯t bear my annoyance anymore.


    I didn¡¯t know if he ate it or not.


    It was not just to impress him and please him. After all, I had always liked him so much. When I could really get close to him, I couldn¡¯t help but want to be nice to him.


    I just didn¡¯t expect that he had been waiting for me to disappear.


    Ugh.


    I later actually thought that he had already accepted that I was Ze¡¯an, and that he was born with a cold personality and treated me like a dispensable roommate with the same name, so I just continued to get by.


    What a¡­¡­ surprise.


    ¡°Actually, I¡¯m the one who¡¯s Ze¡¯an.¡± Half-heartedly, I began to explain in vain, ¡°It¡¯s you, you¡¯re wrong the one who¡¯s wrong¡­¡­that person is a fake.¡±


    Ji Qin coldly dropped a sentence, ¡°Where¡¯s the evidence?¡±


    I was dumbfounded for a moment, and when Ji Qin saw my appearance, he sneered and went straight back to the room.


    I thought, I really didn¡¯t seem to have enough strong evidence to prove that I am the real Ze¡¯an.


    The fake Ze¡¯an had managed to fit into my life successfully and even better in those two years, and I was unable to keep up with any of his rhythms after coming back from the fault.


    Even my closest relatives believed in his existence.


    But I¡¯m obviously the one who is Ze¡¯an¡­

 CH 10

    I actually thought about running away.


    I was anxious day and night and lived in fear of uncertainty all night long. On the surface, I had a good family, a good education and a good, and handsome partner who was the envy of the world.


    But I knew that wasn¡¯t mine, they all liked the previous Ze¡¯an.


    Later, I actually tried to learn from him and tried to climb to his heights¡ªbut the fake Ze¡¯an was really good, and I myself had been a mediocre person who had spent half my life doing nothing and couldn¡¯t achieve what he had done in just two years.


    My parents had by then gotten used to the clumsy and wrong-headed me of today, and naturally, they wouldn¡¯t really suspect that I wasn¡¯t me like Ji Qin, but the sigh from time to time about how I was now, became so much more lately.


    I felt regretful.


    If I hadn¡¯t been so rebellious during my high school and university years, and hadn¡¯t been so annoyed with my parents, and had come home to them more often, would his parents accepted the fake Ze¡¯an so easily when he first arrived?


    Not necessarily, or maybe that fake Ze¡¯an would be accepted no matter what. Unlike me.


    ¡ªI thought about running away.


    But even though the world was so big, where could I escape to?


    Those were the people who were closest to me.


    I started to lose sleep and I couldn¡¯t sleep well.


    This was very bizarre because I used to be so big-hearted that I almost always fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. But from one of the recent days, I suddenly couldn¡¯t sleep.


    My head was always full of things. From Fu Shan, who sighed because she didn¡¯t get the answer she wanted when she was talking to me about her thoughts, to my parents who complain about how I¡¯m suddenly not good at anything, to my boss who said he hates my guts for making such a small mistake, to the parent who called me and invited me to tutor his kid, to Ji Qin who was looking forward to fake Ze¡¯an¡¯s return every second and every day and night¡­


    My brain was about to explode.


    After such insomnia tormented me for a short time, I finally went to the hospital for sleeping pills. That night I finally got a good night¡¯s sleep with the help of medicine, and I began to rejoice in the great power of science, otherwise, I would have had a nervous breakdown.


    The next day, I was in good spirits and prepared a second breakfast for Ji Qin as usual. He worked a little later than I did, but he was usually up by the time I brought breakfast back, but today there was no sign of movement.


    I hesitated for a moment. Since I split up with him that day, I hadn¡¯t had any other in-depth communication with him, but anyway¡ªI knocked on the door and call him out, ¡°Ji Qin, are you up?¡±


    There was no sound inside, I hesitated for a while but still opened the door¡ªit was unlocked, and I saw Ji Qin curled up in the corner of the bed, his face pale, his lips pursed as if he was trying to endure something.


    I was startled and rushed forward, ¡°Are you okay? Are you all right, Ji Qin?¡±


    Ji Qin seemed to be in severe pain and ignored me. I was at a loss for words, and after tidying up the messy bedding for him, I noticed that he had been holding his palm tightly over his stomach.


    Is this¡­a stomachache?


    I found painkillers and stomach medicine and gave them to him with lukewarm water. The effect of the medicine worked very quickly, and his face improved a lot after a while, so I breathed a sigh of relief and said to him, ¡°Should I take you to the hospital? You just looked very¡­¡­ serious.¡±


    Ji Qin pursed his lips, didn¡¯t look at me, and only after a while did he said, ¡°No, it¡¯s an old problem.¡±


    It turned out that Ji Qin had a gastropathy problem, but I didn¡¯t know it until now.


    I quietly made a note in my heart and thought that I should pay attention to it in the future, when he suddenly said, ¡°Thank you.¡±


    I was stunned, and my mood improved. This was the first time Ji Qin thanked me, and the first time I had felt wanted since I returned.


    I held back a smile and stammered, ¡°You¡¯re welcome, um, do you want me to ask for leave for your company?¡±


    Ji Qin raised his head and glanced at me, then quickly withdrew his gaze.


    ¡°No, I can call myself.¡±


    ¡°¡­¡­thanks.¡±


    He said thank you for the second time!


    I became happier and felt more motivated for the rest of the day. I smiled and said, ¡°No problem, no problem, we are housemates, it¡¯s what should be done. I left my breakfast outside, I bought congee and buns, you can warm them up later.¡±


    I was in a good mood and I was afraid that he would think I was nagging. After I finished speaking, I was afraid that he would refuse, so I quickly closed the door of his room and ran away.


    Assuming Ji Qin was just my housemate, it was not an exaggeration for me to care about him, right?


    Ji Qin and I were at peace in the next few days. His gastropathy seemed to have broken out, but my insomnia was still so bad that I needed to increase the dosage of my medication to maintain my sleep.


    Until one day, I was sent to the hospital by Ji Qin for gastric lavage1 because of an overdose.

 CH 11

    When I woke up, Ji Qin was sitting next to my bed taking a nap.


    I felt bad all over, but when I saw his face, which looked as if he hadn¡¯t slept well for days in a row, I resisted the urge to wake him up.


    Ji Qin¡­ was actually keeping me company.


    I couldn¡¯t say whether I was touched or moved, or whether I just made a peace with myself, but either way, I knew that I still deeply love this person.


    Alas, anyway¡­ a miss was still a miss.


    Ji Qin was awakened by my movement. When he opened his eyes, he happened to meet my line of sight. He was in a trance for a moment before he said hoarsely, ¡°¡­¡­you¡¯re awake, I¡¯ll go call the doctor.¡±


    ¡°Ji Qin.¡± As I saw that he was leaving, I hurriedly stopped him.


    I didn¡¯t know why, but maybe deep down I dreaded the thought of him leaving?


    ¡°Thank you for staying with me.¡± He turned his head suspiciously, and I whispered hesitantly.


    Ji Qin had no expression on his face, but when he heard my words, he suddenly frowned deeply, strode up to me, and leaned down¡ª


    ¡°Listen carefully, I don¡¯t want you to get into any more trouble.¡±


    I froze, not understanding what he meant.


    Ji Qin stared into my eyes as if it was the first time he had ever looked at me like that, a gaze so sharp it could pierce my soul.


    ¡°Ze¡¯an will come back.¡± He opened his lips and said one word at a time, ¡°But if his body is destroyed, he won¡¯t be able to come back.¡±


    My mouth dropped open, suddenly not knowing what to say.


    Actually, I should be¡­ have gotten used to it.


    Ji Qin never believed what I said anyway.


    But I was still sad.


    The fingers hidden under the covers quietly moved to my stomach, which was still faintly aching, and I whispered, ¡°I know, I haven¡¯t been sleeping well for a while, and I didn¡¯t think ¡­¡­¡±


    Before the words were out of my mouth, Ji Qin had already left without looking back.


    I took my words back, and my heart grew more and more disappointed.


    Everything was as I had expected.


    There was nothing to look forward to, and nothing to be sad about.


    It was almost over.


    After the doctor¡¯s examination, he suggested that I should stay in the hospital for observation for a day and leave tomorrow.


    I agreed. Ji Qin stood by my side and listened patiently to the doctor¡¯s instructions on how to take care of my body in the future as if he really was my lover.


    Of course I already knew that everything he did was not for me.


    The next day Ji Qin drove me back, and we were very silent all the way. I secretly looked at him out of the corner of my eye, and the corners of his lips were pursed tightly, and he seemed to be in a bad mood.


    I felt like I haven¡¯t seen him smile in a long, long time.


    In the past, when I pursued him, he was also so indifferent, but I have seen his smile; when taking care of stray dogs and cats on campus, when helping his classmates¡­ I firmly believed that he was someone who was distant and was actually a very gentle person.


    Did I change him?


    I really couldn¡¯t figure it out, what I was doing by insisting so much on coming back to change my life¡­¡­


    I didn¡¯t say anything all the way, and I was a little drowsy, but my nerves kept tensing involuntarily. I thought about how Ji Qin had said yesterday that I should be forbidden to take sleeping pills. What should I do with my sleep during this time? It was too painful and torturous to keep my eyes open for a long night. If I order melatonin, the effect on me is not as great as that of sleeping pills. Ordinary sleep aids no longer work for me. I¡­


    What do I do?


    After returning home, Ji Qin told me he had to go to work, and went straight out the door.


    I still feel uncomfortable physically, but when I look at the calendar, I feel that time flies too fast. If I didn¡¯t race against the clock to do something I like, I was afraid it would be too late.


    No matter how disappointed and powerless I was in my life today, it was enough for me to do my own thing and pass on the love and blessings that should be passed on


    With that in mind, I locked myself in the fake Ze¡¯an¡¯s former studio again.

 CH 12

    Without the aid of sleeping pills, it was even harder for me to fall asleep.


    I knew Ji Qin would not allow me to absurdly drug myself to sleep every day again, so I would also force myself to close my eyes. The long nights were really hard, but I figured it wouldn¡¯t matter if I endured them. The painting was almost finished, and all the suffering¡­ will reach the end.


    Ji Qin still ignored me. He was very busy with work, and I often only saw him at night, sometimes even late at night. His job seemed to require him to socialize a lot lately, and for several days in a row, he came back drunk and was helped back by the driver.


    I picked him up subconsciously. He leaned against me drunkenly, and especially softly called me, ¡°Ze¡¯an.¡±


    Sometimes I actually hoped for him to be drunk.


    Because at that time, he wasn¡¯t cold at all. He was calling the name Ze¡¯an gently, and the name was spoken between his lips and teeth lovingly. I couldn¡¯t resist this warmth that wasn¡¯t easily earned¡ª¡ª


    But of course, I knew that it wasn¡¯t me he was calling.


    Ze¡¯an.


    I dared do nothing but respond to him softly, ¡°I¡¯m here.¡±


    As if he didn¡¯t believe me, he asked me again, ¡°Are you Ze¡¯an?¡±


    My lips twitched, and I found it difficult to answer the question.


    I think¡­ of course I¡¯m Ze¡¯an.


    But wasn¡¯t the Ze¡¯an he wanted, I guess.


    I sighed and whispered, ¡°I¡¯m Ze¡¯an.¡±


    He didn¡¯t answer and his ever-tight brow slowly loosened to reveal a look akin to resignation.


    I didn¡¯t dare to look at him directly, and merely rested my forehead against his, and when the warm skins touched, I suddenly felt the urge to cry.


    ¡°¡­The Ze¡¯an you want will be back soon.¡±


    I said.


    The day the painting finished was exactly three days before Valentine¡¯s Day. It was rare for Ji Qin to stay at home during the day. When I was sitting in the living room in a daze, he suddenly spoke up and asked me, ¡°What¡¯s the date today?¡±


    He almost never spoke to me, and I snapped out of my daze and answered him quickly.


    And when he learned that Valentine¡¯s Day was coming, his expression was very sad.


    I felt like I knew why he was like this. Because Valentine¡¯s Day was the day the fake Ze¡¯an disappeared. It had been almost a year since the fake Ze¡¯an disappeared¡­ In fact, I had actually been back for a year, but no one seemed to be happy about my existence. Sigh.


    Ji Qin turned around and went back to his room, I hesitated for a moment, but couldn¡¯t help knocking on his door.


    ¡°Ji Qin?¡±


    When he heard my voice, there was no expression on his face and even the melancholy expression that had just flashed by disappeared. Maybe he had sorted out his mood quickly.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong.¡±


    I hesitated for a moment and said, ¡°Are you free to come home with me in the next couple of days? My parents even called two days ago asking about us¡­¡±


    Ji Qin¡­had met my parents with the fake Ze¡¯an after all. I knew that he had also been in touch with my parents during the year, and he had also visited them alone, but he had never gone back with me to see them. During this period of time, my parents asked me openly and secretly if there was something wrong with my relationship with Ji Qin, so I thought I should probably visit them during these two days.


    In any case, my parents were still the closest people to me, and Ji Qin was the person I had always liked for a long time. If I could see the three of them meet with my own eyes, it would be like having my wish fulfilled.


    Ji Qin was also stunned, and a clear struggle flashed across his face.


    Would he say yes?


    My heart beat faster, and I didn¡¯t dare to look up at him.


    ¡°¡­I don¡¯t think so.¡±


    After a long time, I heard him replied.


    Surprisingly, my mind was especially peaceful. I didn¡¯t seem surprised to hear this answer.


    In the boundless and indistinct vast dreams, I was the only one who was aware1 But I¡­had been reluctant to admit it, as if I still had expectations of the world.


    I smiled and said to him, ¡°Well¡­I¡¯m just asking. I plan to visit my parents by myself tomorrow.¡±


    Ji Qin frowned and looked at me, and after a long silence he said, ¡°As you wish.¡±


    Before he was about to close the door, I stopped him again.


    ¡°You¡­you¡¯re going to be very busy these two days. I have a present I want to give you.¡± I said, ¡°It¡¯s Valentine¡¯s Day.¡±


    The author has something to say:


    It¡¯s almost over.


    Notes:


    About the poem by Li Bai, the title is ÓëÔªµ¤Çð·½³ÇËÂ̸Ðþ×÷, I¡¯m not sure how it should be translated as I didn¡¯t find the official translation of that particular poem.


    In my interpretation, the phrase meant that Ze¡¯an felt the whole world is just like a long and winding dream because of the unreal situation and he was very depressed as he was the only one who was aware that the Ze¡¯an they all preferred was actually not the real one.

 CH 13

    There were many, many things that I wanted to do.


    It was just that at one time these things used to be meaningful to me, but nowadays, it felt more like I was doing it for another person.


    It didn¡¯t seem to make any sense anymore.


    So I thought, I should gave up.


    I went to visit my parents.


    They were still slightly upset that I hadn¡¯t brought Ji Qin over. I smiled and said,  ¡°He is busy with work these days. I think he will come with me in a few days.¡±


    ¡°Really?¡± My mother asked suspiciously, ¡°Are you really not making trouble? I think you¡¯ve been acting weird lately.¡±


    I pursed my lips and my smile stiffened slightly.


    ¡°Really¡­ that weird?¡±


    ¡°Ah, I¡¯m just saying.¡±


    My mother said, and as if she thought of something else, she added as she worked in the kitchen, ¡°But it does seem you are going back to your younger self now. You are not that young anymore¡­¡±


    It was true.


    It was true that I didn¡¯t do a lot of things as well as the fake Ze¡¯an, and what they said was right, even though I tried so hard to learn from him after I came back and wanted to reach his heights.


    But I am just me.


    I hesitated for a moment, but in the end, I said nothing.


    The night before Valentine¡¯s Day, I left a message to Ji Qin to remind him to come back. He was indifferent and even a little perfunctory in his response. I thought about it for a while and couldn¡¯t help calling him directly.


    Surprisingly, he answered.


    So I got nervous and asked, ¡°You should remember to come back tomorrow.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯ll see.¡± Ji Qin said vaguely.


    I inexplicably thought of that kiss in the middle of summer, moist and sticky, with the youthful ignorance and love of a teenager. It was the first time I had kissed him, and it made me even more determined to pursue him then.


    I think I had succeeded now, but I had also failed.


    ¡°Ji Qin, when did you fall in love with Ze¡¯an?¡± I asked gently.


    Ji Qin became impatient: ¡°What¡¯s the matter?¡±


    I hold on to the microphone and said, ¡°I¡¯m just curious to ask.¡±


    He paused, not sure if it was out of compromise or a desire to end our conversation sooner, and after a moment of silence, he said faintly, ¡°Love at first sight.¡±


    I was taken aback.


    It was as if he had found an opening, he quickly said, ¡°I¡¯ll hang up first.¡±


    ¡°Thank you, Ji Qin.¡± I muttered.


    The call was disconnected. And my brain was still running slowly, about what he said about love at first sight, and whether he knew which Ze¡¯an I asked.


    But I had him to thank for that, precisely because his answer allowed me to delude myself into thinking that my existence was still meaningful.


    Assuming, what he meant by falling in love at first sight, was with¡­¡­ the original Ze¡¯an, that was, me.


    That was very nice.


    Thank you, Ji Qin.


    I wrapped his portrait as a gift and placed it on the studio table. Compared with the fake Ze¡¯an, I didn¡¯t draw very well, but I earnestly drew a cartoon version of Ji Qin in his school uniform¡ªthat image of him had always stuck deep into my heart. So I¡¯m personally happy with the final product, I guess, haha.


    That¡¯s it, you guys see, I really really tried my best.


    It was time for me to embrace a whole new life, one that belonged to the real Fang Ze¡¯an.


    The night I took too many sleeping pills was actually planned out. I was probably¡­really in a trance to the point where I didn¡¯t want to live.


    In the chaos of consciousness, the first person I encountered was the grim reaper. This time he didn¡¯t talk as much as before, he was very silent when he saw me, and I even seemed to even see him guilt-ridden.


    ¡°Give it back to him,¡± I whispered.


    Grim Reaper was silent, I think he was shaken too, I should be able to make a deal with him.


    ¡°I want to have a new and complete me,¡± I said. ¡°No one likes me here, haha.¡±


    The grim reaper said, ¡°¡­I will ask his opinion.¡±


    It didn¡¯t take long for him to tell me that the fake Ze¡¯an agreed.


    I felt really jealous, and the fake Ze¡¯an really missed the life here too. This was the so-called two-way street, right? I really was the redundant one.


    But anyway, the deal had been done.


    The time was set on Valentine¡¯s Day, the first anniversary of fake Ze¡¯an¡¯s departure.


    It was also the one-year anniversary of my return, but since no one cared. So¡­forget it.


    I would give a real gift that would make everyone happy.


    No one would be sorry, and no one would be disappointed anymore.


    I would also reincarnate and experience a complete life of my own.


    And then¡­ this time, the people who like me would only like the most original me.


    I lay in the bathtub and slowly closed my eyes as my body temperature gradually drained away.


    This would be a happy ending.


    END


    The author has something to say:


    End of article, there is really an extra


    A song called ¡°Love¡± by A-lin is dedicated to Ze¡¯an (go listen to it)


    Notes:


    Go listened to it here A-lin <Love>, I found a video where they also place the English translation for the song~