《I Suddenly Became a Mother》 Chapter 1 - She’s My Mother (1) Chapter 1: She¡¯s My Mother (1) Sometimes I had a dream. In that dream, there was a man. The man and I were inside a large room. We sat on the bed, bathing under the warm sunshine that came through the window. It was completely quiet. The only sound in the silence was our breath. Just making eye contact with him made me feel hot. After a while, the man reached his hand out to me and we exchanged the warmth of our bodies for a long time. ¡°Are you sure you¡¯re gonna be okay?¡± The man holding me asked carefully. I answer right away. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯ll be alright.¡± I stared at the man¡¯s flushed face. When our eyes met again, the man leaned forward and kissed me. His lips touching me in places where no one else had touched me¡­ I kissed him on the scruff of his neck as if to answer his kiss. ¡°¡­¡­.¡± The man let out his hot breath, calling my name. I hugged the man for a while longer. It was the same dream I¡¯ve had for the past five years, but when I woke up, everything was hazy. I couldn¡¯t remember the name the man was calling me nor could I remember the man¡¯s face. The only thing I remembered was a man¡¯s voice. It was a good, smooth voice that was fascinating to hear. ¡­ ¡­ ¡­ My legs were heavy, like cotton soaked in water. After each step, my stomach made a loud noise. Move one step and my stomach would growl for the next two¡­ When was the last time I ate something decent? I couldn¡¯t remember. I recalled I¡¯d never had a meal on time ever since I was kicked out of the restaurant I worked in a few days ago. A pretty nasty smell irritated my nose. If I¡¯d kept walking like that, I¡¯d have starved myself under the harsh sun. I sat down flat on the floor because I had no energy whatsoever. Where can I get some food? I felt slight thumps on the floor I rested my hands on. Slowly, the vibrations grew louder and later footsteps could be heard as well. The footsteps grew faster and louder without any sign of stopping and soon came nearer. I looked up and saw someone was approaching me. Were they going to feed me? ¡°¡­¡­.¡± It was a little boy, about five years old. The blond boy with chubby cheeks sported a touched look on his face as soon as he saw me. It was as if he finally found the toy that he had been looking for all day. I observed the child¡¯s face¡ªhe was beautiful. The clothes he was wearing looked smooth as if my fingers would run through the fabric without any resistance. The little boy wore a kind expression as he looked at me. Suddenly, he jumped r into my arms. The boy who fell into my arms smelled very good but I was afraid of the child smelling my odor. ¡°Hey.¡± I called out to the child carefully. The child replied cutely. It was so lovely that I found myself smiling. I¡¯d always wanted a son like him. The child hugged me tightly as if he had no intention of getting away from my smelly arms. ¡°Who are you, dear?¡± I spoke to the child again, and the child who was leaning against my chest shouted a very strange name¡­ Chapter 2 - She’s My Mother (2) Chapter 2: She¡¯s My Mother (2) Mama? I wasn¡¯t able to say anything for a while. Did I ever have a baby? Did I lose my memory related to this boy? However, the little boy was way too unfamiliar to say that. At least, if he was my child, something would have come to mind. I couldn¡¯t recall any memory with him, no matter how hard I tried. So I tried to comfort the child. ¡°Looks like you¡¯ve got the wrong person, dear¡­ I¡¯m not your mom.¡± I tried to pull away from the child. After all, it was not appropriate for an aristocratic child to be sitting in the arms of a beggar. If the real mother or father of the child saw this, I might be put to death. ¡°No.¡± He shook his head. ¡°You¡¯re my mother.¡± The harder I tried to get rid of the little guy, the closer he leaned towards me. It was then that another sound of footsteps was heard. This time, the pace was a little faster and heavier, like the footsteps of an adult man. The footsteps stopped inches away from me. I looked up and saw a new figure¡­ ¡°Josh! I told you not to touch dirty things!¡± The man¡¯s deep voice scolded the child who was hiding in my embrace. Josh. No, wait. By dirty, did they mean me? I laughed in amazement. It wasn¡¯t wrong, but somehow I still felt bad. The more I tried to accept the truth, the worse I felt. And I was indignant because I did not hug him first. He just suddenly came running and caught me by surprise. Then the man¡¯s eyes fell onto me. It was a surprise. Since I was already looking at him, and our eyes met. The man had black eyes. They were beautiful, yet they carried a sad emotion. Looking at the man¡¯s gloomy eyes over and over again, I felt sad too. Strange thoughts appeared in my mind. Who was this man? Was he Josh¡¯s father? I obviously tried coming up with an excuse, ¡®The child ran up to me first and hugged me,¡¯ was what I was going to say but I couldn¡¯t say anything at all. ¡°¡­¡­Senna¡­?¡± The man¡¯s charming lips spat out a name. Senna. The man¡¯s voice was dripping with sadness. He grimaced as he muttered. ¡°No, that can¡¯t be¡­¡± He looked away from me and asked the little guy named Josh who was still in my arms. ¡°Josh, why haven¡¯t you moved away from her yet? ¡± ¡°No! How can I leave when my Mama is here?¡± The little guy, Josh, said. The child snuggled deeper into my arms. There was not the slightest bit of hesitation in the grasp of the child that hugged my waist. I couldn¡¯t push the child away, nor could I say anything to the man, so I looked at them one by one. ¡°Ha¡­¡± With a long sigh, the man came closer and bent on his knees. Soon the hands of the man were up in the air, reaching out for the child. He seemed to be trying to take the child away from me himself. The face of the man who faced me was threatening to explode with anger. I had a hunch that the man would soon explode, but before the man was given a chance, my stomach exploded first. It was growling loudly, like thunder in the dry sky. The child looked closely at my stomach, the source of the sound and the man curled his lips in dismay. I wanted to say so. ¡°Mama, are you hungry?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not your mom, but I¡¯m starving.¡± No, I¡¯m not telling you anything. However, when I saw the smiling child, I felt obligated to answer him quietly. ¡°Maybe I am overthinking this.¡± The man thought. Then he grabbed the child roughly and pulled the child away from me. I could not take my eyes off him. With his hands stretched ¡­ ¡°Mama! Mama!¡± Chapter 3 - She’s My Mother (3) Chapter 3: She¡¯s My Mother (3) He cried. It was heartbreaking. The child¡¯s eyes looked so sad. But I couldn¡¯t help it. I was not his mother, so I ignored the child¡¯s desperate eyes. I¡¯m sorry, kid. I thought the sudden and embarrassing situation would end just like that but the child shook his hand and sank to the floor. Then, he started crying more sadly than anyone else in the world. ¡°Uhuhuu¡­, Papa is bad¡­ It was not enough to leave her on the street, and now you won¡¯t even feed Mama. Papa is very bad¡­.¡± The child with a small body cried with an incredibly loud voice. People walking along the side of the street began to leer and stare at us. The handsome young man was definitely the father of the child, and then the hungry mother¡­ Do they mean me? I didn¡¯t know how I became a hungry mother, but they were right. ¡°Josh! Get up right now! Or you¡¯ll get in trouble with Papa when we get back to the mansion! ¡± The man¡¯s voice grew louder and louder, his forehead wrinkled in anger. The man¡¯s angry voice did not scare the child at all. He let out an even louder noise and threatened his father. ¡°If Papa leaves Mama here, I will stay here, too.¡± ¡°What the hell are you talking about? ¡± ¡°She¡¯s there! ¡± Josh pointed to me with his small hands. ¡°Your mom is not here!¡± The man shouted. ¡°She is right there!¡± ¡°Josh¡­ That dirty thing is not your mom. ¡± ¡°She only got dirty because Papa didn¡¯t take care of Mama! ¡± ¡°Josh¡­¡± The man sighed heavily and didn¡¯t speak for a long time¡­ The little guy was a bold fellow. He didn¡¯t budge a single inch from his stubborn attitude. ¡°Hey, beggar.¡± A beggar? Who was he calling? I looked around and realized that there was no one but me who could be called the beggar. I might have looked like a beggar, but I was not a beggar. I bit my lips, unable to say that. ¡°Yes, the beggar answers.¡± ¡°Do you work?¡± ¡°No, I just got fired.¡± ¡°Yes, it would be strange for someone like you to work.¡± ¡°What? ¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you want to try a new job?¡± ¡°What is it?¡± ¡°For now, let¡¯s go to the mansion and talk. The child isn¡¯t calm.¡± The little guy¡¯s cries continued. The man was becoming increasingly impatient, although not intentionally. The man looked nervous when I didn¡¯t answer right away. The number of people who stopped walking and watched us began to grow. It wasn¡¯t intended either, but it was a feeling of involuntary attention. ¡°Why aren¡¯t you answering?¡± The man complained to me. I tilted my head with a blank face. ¡°Are you doubting me?¡± The man spoke as he noticed the suspicion in my eyes. ¡°Yes, the beggar suspects you.¡± I answered with a nod of my head. The fact that I was called a beggar only fueled me. The man spat in anger. ¡°I am John Lancaster.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°¡­.¡± John. It was a familiar name for some reason. I tried to recall where I¡¯d heard the name before, but to the me who was wandering about the streets with no memory, nothing came to mind. ¡°Well, that¡¯s a good name.¡± Kirk! The man touched my forehead with a serious face and spoke, ¡°That¡¯s fantastic. Listen, I¡¯m the youngest person to inherit the title of Duke and I have a lot of accomplishments. There is also a title that was given to me by the King himself. Do you know who I am now?¡± So he was just a big, powerful guy, right? I wasn¡¯t that interested in whether he was the youngest person to become a duke or any such merit. The only thing I was interested in was¡­ growl¡­. There was another loud noise in my stomach. ¡°Was that a horse?¡± John asked in a silly tone. ¡°If you come with me, rice will be served.¡± ¡°Okay, let¡¯s go.¡± ¡°Where?¡± ¡°To eat rice.¡± ¡°I won.¡± He laughed disappointingly. It must have been such a disappointment for him to go eat. I stared into his dejected smile. His laughter and voice were still ringing in my ears. As I dwelled on his voice, it suddenly felt strange. It was because I felt a sense of wonder. I feel as if I¡¯d heard the good voice of this man before. Where did I hear his name before? ¡°Ah! ¡± Fortunately, I remembered the source of the voice right away. ¡°Are you sure you¡¯re gonna be okay?¡± The voice of John and the voice of the man whom I had often heard in my dreams. It was strange. I asked him the first thing I knew. ¡°John Lancaster. Have we ever met each other before?¡± Chapter 4 - Uncanny Resemblance (1) Chapter 4: Uncanny Resemblance (1) John stiffened at my rambling question. He gave an odd look for a slight moment before saying, ¡°What?¡± with furrowed brows. He looked troubled. ¡°Are you confessing to me?¡± He questioned. ¡°Of course not. Don¡¯t play yourself.¡± I replied. ¡°I see¡­¡± I¡¯m forced to work with John, and a slight feeling of shock fills my body. Besides, John has a cute child, Josh Lancaster. A married man would never commit such dirty things. The dream I¡¯ve had since losing my memory, I¡¯m sure that dream is related to the loss of my memory. John turned around and laughed while pulling the cuffs of his sleeve up. ¡°The beggar knows what she wants. Now follow me.¡± John walked one step ahead. He said to himself in a low voice. He thought I didn¡¯t hear, but I could hear him clearly. What? Confession from a woman who smells rotten? He¡¯s insulting me, right? I pricked my ears up and leaned over to make sure I heard him right as I watched his back grow smaller into the horizon. Sure enough, he repeated it again. ¡°I¡¯m only following you to eat, not to confess.¡± John¡¯s footsteps suddenly stopped. I raised my shoulders in surprise as he gave me a quick backward glance. ¡°Who said I wanted you to confess? Didn¡¯t you tell me that you wanted to eat?¡± It wouldn¡¯t matter what I said. Nobles are too full of themselves, so I gave him an awkward smile. John answered with a straight face, but it looked more like a sigh. ¡°I shouldn¡¯t have mistaken that woman for her¡­¡± I too wondered why John and his son mistook me for someone else. Strangely enough, I felt offended by his words. He mistook me for ¡®her,¡¯ and his child thinks of me as his mother. So, does that mean John mistook me for his wife? My theories weren¡¯t too advanced as the panging hunger in my stomach interrupted my thoughts. Then, a small and cute boy came to me. It was the child who sat on the street crying sadly. He looked up at me with a smile, big eyes sweet and innocent and cheeks like a swelling dumpling. ¡°Mama, there are so many delicious things to eat at Joshua¡¯s house. Let¡¯s go home, shall we?¡± A child who called himself Joshua took my hand led me towards his home. The boy¡¯s fingers were soft in my hands. I said while finding it odd that the child calls me ¡®Mama.¡¯ It¡¯s odd. I¡¯m following people I don¡¯t know blindly, but then I recall my present situation. I have no place to be. I have no money, and I can¡¯t be kicked out either way. I have no home. I¡¯m a beggar. As John said, I am a beggar. I don¡¯t want to admit it, but damn, it was true. If one were to consider my position as a beggar, they¡¯d think that it¡¯d be right to follow John. Again, I looked at John¡¯s wide and broad back as he walks forwards step by step with a sense of noble confidence. I don¡¯t think he¡¯d do anything wrong. I don¡¯t think he¡¯d make me suffer. After all, the only reason he¡¯s taking me to his place is because of this child ¡®else he¡¯d never dare to think of looking at me. I¡¯m not really sure what is going on. Everything is moving to fast for me. Well, it is no use thinking about it now. I¡¯ll go and eat with them. I¡¯ll think about everything else after. The child led me by the had, big, innocent eyes leading me to his place. Having nothing to carry but myself, I jump into the carriage without regret. ¡­ ¡­ ¡­ The mansion was large. It¡¯s impossible to take the sight in all at once. As John said earlier, he is a great man. No¡­ I think it¡¯d be more accurate to say that he¡¯s filthy rich. How much money would one need to own such a large mansion? I look at the mansion with mouth slightly open. John takes a look at me and smirks. ¡°Your mouth is going to fall.¡± It¡¯s nothing terrible, what he said, but why I do I feel like he¡¯s insulting me? ¡°Mama, what are you doing? Let¡¯s go inside.¡± Chapter 5 - Uncanny Resemblance (2) Chapter 5: Uncanny Resemblance (2) I look down towards the direction of the sound and see Joshua looking up at me happily. The child spoke with a beaming smile that could not bring up the words ¡®I am not your mother.¡¯ Had I told him so, his bright eyes would turn somber as tears begins to well up. My heart is weak. I would not be able to stand seeing such sight so I gave him a smile instead. It was a smile full of positivity. And this is how I ended inside their mansion. Upon entering, John exchanged a few words with what appeared to be a handmaiden. He pointed at me several times with his fingers while he had a tight frowned face all this time. When the handmaiden nodded, John picked the child beside me and walked away without saying anything. The child waved until the two disappeared from my sight. This child, what a cute little thing. Surely he did not get this traits from his cold father. ¡°Mama, see you later!¡± ¡°Yes, see you later!¡± I waved awkwardly to the child. I felt compelled to do so. ¡°¡­¡­¡± ¡°Will you follow me?¡± She said, her voice shaking a little. That¡¯s strange. I followed after her, albeit a little to hurriedly. The lady¡¯s room was located in the bathroom, its size humongous. So the rich lived a lavish lifestyle like this. The handmaiden left the bathroom instructing me to wash myself clean. It was apparent that Josh ordered for this to happen. Dirt, my dear friend, the time has come for us to part ways. I quickly washed myself clean and left the bathroom feeling refreshed. Somehow, I feel much lighter. I feel like a different person and I don¡¯t know why. It has also been a while since I wore such a nice dress. When the handmaiden saw me, she looked even more peculiar than the first time she saw. She bit her lower lip and looked as if she was holding back her tears. Why is she crying? Did she also mistake me for someone else like John and Joshua? ¡°I will show you where the master resides¡­¡± She said, her voice faint and solemn. I nodded and followed her. We soon stopped in front of a door and she stared at me for a long time. Finally, she spoke. ¡°You look so much like her.¡± ¡°What?¡± I asked, but the maid shook her head from side to side. The maid hurriedly opened the door and left quickly as if to prevent me asking asking further questions. Sighing, I walked inside. No sooner had I entered the room, I saw him, John Lancaster. He sat on the sofa, legs crossed over. His eyes looked over and met mines. Then¡­ His face fell and bore a deep look of longing similar to the way the maid looked at me. Chapter 6 - Uncanny Resemblance (3) When I questioned him, John answered a couple times with a cough. His tone was horribly cold yet it was filled with a sense of longing. I wondered why. I wanted to reply but I answered only with an awkward laugh instead. Once again, you should never call me a beggar and expect me to hold back. Looking at a glimpse of John¡¯s face, I saw that he was frowning violently, as if my answer had been harsh. I sat on the sofa opposite John. ¡°And¡­.¡± Chapter 7 - I See You (1) Chapter 7: I See You (1) Joshua¡¯s real mother and John¡¯s wife¡­ Huh¡­ Perhaps the child¡¯s real mother had something to do with the name ¡®Senna¡¯, the one which John sang in a plaintive, solemn voice. Although I came hither to with the thoughts of feeding the hunger growing inside me, I felt a sense of bitterness. Or maybe it was curiosity. The more Josh, or should I say Joshua, calls me ¡®mother¡¯, the more I grew curious of his real mother. But I shouldn¡¯t be curious. Isn¡¯t that the new type of torture this days? What was that saying I heard¡­ Ah¡­ Curiosity kills the cat! But anyways, I wonder where¡¯s Josh¡¯s real mother now? I¡¯ll have to at least know a little bit to fit a befitting image of his mother. But at that moment, a rumbling sound reverberated through my stomach. How loud the noise was¡­ It was embarrassing. Even John glanced a furtive look at my stomach. I smiled awkwardly. I should stop thinking and eat. Complex matters just hurts my brain the more I think of it. But it¡¯s scary to think of it. This guy, John, to think he managed to seduce me with delicious food. To think I¡¯d resort to such means! But who cares. I¡¯m a beggar, remember? Beggars can¡¯t picky. Soon after, the closed door opened naturally and a beaming figure walked in. My ears perked up to the subject of food. Ah¡­ No¡­ This is truly torture. Not to mention John¡¯s gaze locked on me, scrutinizing my every move I bet. But I ignored it. I¡¯ll take advantage of the situation. I look at Josh. I noticed his clothing had changed. It looked more comfortable and cute. ¡°Yes, dear. I¡¯m very hungry.¡± ¡°¡­.Dear.¡± ¡±Hehe¡­ I brought you something delicious!¡± A woman followed Josh from behind. She had a strange look on her face, a faint smile, yet solemn at the same time. I think to myself, why are all the people here sad? But the thought quickly evaporated ¡®fore what I saw surprised me. Holding what seemed like a two-story long tray stacked with meat. The trays were littered with delicious delicacies and all kinds of meat to eat. The smell of it drove me crazy. I had this urge to jump in, grab the food, and gobble it all up in one go. The servant that had seen me drool like a dog in heat began to place the food on the table. It didn¡¯t take long, but boy did it seem like forever. Meanwhile, saliva dripped from the corner of my mouth. ¡°Josh, I can have this?¡± ¡°Who else would be eating it, beggar?¡± His voice hinted a snarky sarcasm. I glanced at him, eyes fierce, and quickly morphed to one of sunny brightnesses as I turned my head back to Josh. ¡±Of course! Mama, it¡¯s all for you!¡± Josh beamed. Josh gestured me to eat. Scared that all was merely an illusion, I began to fill my stomach stricken with hunger. Finally, food at last¡­ I could not believe how delicious the meat was. If this kind of food was served every day, staying with Josh for the rest of my life as his caretaker might not be so bad after all. As I lifted my head, I saw Josh and John, who had yet to leave the room, look at me with expectancy. John¡¯s face was crumpled like it had always been, while Josh remained smiling like always. ¡±I feel happy to see you eat.¡± Yes, he did look happy. If only John could learn a thing or two from his child, that would be truly wonderful. The way this kid speaks, it didn¡¯t resemble anything like his father at all. ¡°Ha-ha¡­ This beggar¡¯s dinner is finally over.¡± I patted my belly a few times and smiled satisfactorily. ¡°Yes, you¡¯re a big eater, beggar.¡± ¡°What? Are you looking at me?¡± ¡°Yes, this beggar is staring at you.¡± John shook his head from side to side. ¡°How long will you keep calling yourself a beggar?¡± ¡°Until you stop calling me a beggar?¡± ¡°If not beggar, then what should I call you?¡± ¡°I have a name. Lina. Please call me Lina.¡± But I doubt that¡¯s my real name. All traces of my past is gone. I hardly remember my past. But one name I remember vaguely was ¡®Lina¡¯. It could have been a name from someone I once knew, or it could have been mine. I do not know. ¡°¡­.That name doesn¡¯t suit you.¡± John replied curtly. ¡°So you¡¯ll keep calling me a beggar, then?¡± As our voices rose slightly, Josh shouted, voice filled with nervousness. ¡°Stop, Papa, Mama! A husband and wife should not fight! It¡¯s bad!¡± ¡°¡­¡­.¡± John and I, we closed our mouths tight, at a loss for words of contention. Chapter 8 - I See You (2) Chapter 8: I See You (2) After a slight scuffle, John and Josh left the room. I observed the place that is now my room. It was quite spacious. There were too few furnitures, but I had everything I need: a closet, table, chair, sofa, a bed even¡­ My eyelids were growing heavy, and I felt like sleeping, so I walked straight to the bed and laid down. The soft texture of the bed touched my back. How comfortable. It was only a few hours ago that I was suffering from hunger, and it was only a few hours later that I was now lying in a full bed. It was truly unrealistic. But whatever. I closed my eyes and pulled the white blanket up to my neck. I was content. *** *** *** When I opened my eyes again, there was a bluish darkness in the room. I had woken up by the touch of a soft hand. I forced my groggy eyelids to open. As soon as I opened my eyes, I saw Josh¡¯s bright smile beaming at me. He tiptoed on the bed, looking at me from a very close distance. A lot of the things that had happened in a given day seemed like a dream, but Josh, who was smiling in front of me, he wasn¡¯t a dream. ¡°Josh?¡± ¡±Yes, Mama, it¡¯s Josh.¡± ¡±Because you¡¯re back¡­ I thought you could stop Papa¡­¡± The child replied in a muttering voice. ¡°Papa? Do you mean John?¡± ¡±Yes, Mama! Come with me to see Papa.¡± ¡°¡­¡­Now?¡± Josh nodded vigorously. His eyes looked strangely determined when he saw me, one full of motivation. Is there anything going on with John? I¡¯m not really worried about him, but it¡¯s not to say that I don¡¯t worry about him. I do¡­ It¡¯s just¡­ Uh¡­ He hasn¡¯t been on my mind. But maybe I should, on a purely humanitarian perspective. ¡°Yes! Come on, come on!¡± Soon, I felt terrible seeing the child¡¯s struggling face, so I lifted myself up. Though I really don¡¯t want to see that arrogant guy¡¯s fate this late at night. I have a bad feeling. I stood up from the bed and rubbed my sleepless eyes. Josh continued to drag me and lead me to who knows where. As expected, it was where John was at. Josh opened the door wide open as if it were his own. Stepping inside John¡¯s room, a terrible scent stabbed my nose. Josh let go of my hand as he ran forward, stopping near a man sitting in front of a table. He was banging his head. It was John. I followed Josh and looked at John, who was rambling incoherent words. ¡°What¡¯s wrong with you?¡± John would have grown angry right away hearing my words, but I heard no such retorts. Instead, he threw his head on the table. He looked disarrayed, unlike what I had seen earlier. I looked at the empty liquor bottles lying on the table. How much did you drink? Why does he drink so much that he¡¯s unable to care for himself? There are too many delicious foods in this house. Personally, I¡¯d be happy with that alone. I wonder why he¡¯s not. Rich people rich problems, I guess. I then thought to why he would be drunk. Maybe it had to do with Josh¡¯s birth mother. It was a gut feeling. In the meantime, Josh shook John¡¯s drunken body. ¡±Papa, you can stop grieving now that Mama¡¯s here.¡± He spewed out difficult words in a shriveled voice. He was unable to finish his speech. It was at this moment that John raised his head. ¡°¡­¡­!¡± Soon as John raised his head, he looked straight at me. Our eyes were interlocked. His eyes, it was blurred with drunkenness, yet strangely sad. His wistful eyes¡­ I felt my mouth dry for some reason. Then, John¡¯s lips opened slightly, spitting out a voice full of solemness. ¡°¡­..Senna¡­¡± It was the word I didn¡¯t expect to hear. Senna. John certainly called me that name when we first met. He sat up from the chair he sat on and walked up to me with a tottering gait. Facing so close to me, John looked down, looking at me with those sad eyes. I stared at him. He was tall. I had to look up. He¡¯s a good-looking man despite his arrogance. White, pale skin, and slightly disheveled hair¡­ Even his dark eyes look sexy¡­ Sensual. Frankly, it was the first time I had ever seen such a handsome man¡¯s face up close. That¡¯s probably why I couldn¡¯t get away from him. ¡°¡­¡­.¡± Silence filled the room. Neither John or Josh said anything. Then, John lifted his hands and wrapped his fingers around my waist. I flinched. ¡°¡­.Wh-what are you doing?¡± I stuttered. John kept silent, twisting his head to the right. He then tilted his head towards me. Our gaze drew nearer, and I couldn¡¯t breathe properly. If he kissed me and pulled me towards him, I¡¯ll probably give it to him without fail. Coughs¡­ He held my waist even tighter with my face completely buried on his shoulder, as if to keep me from running away. I gave up from getting away from him and clasped his back. I grabbed his back without realizing it. Strangely, it felt familiar and gave me a sense of security. ¡°¡­.Senna¡­. You¡¯re back¡­?¡± Chapter 9 - Papa and Mama Should Not Fight (1) Chapter 9: Papa and Mama Should Not Fight (1) ¡°¡­¡­.¡± Our face was drawn close together; even his breathing I could hear. I tightened my hands into a knot expecting the unknown, but nothing happened. There was no lip pressing. John¡¯s grip on my waist also relaxed. I felt helplessly relieved. Or was I really? His head rested against my shoulder, not my lips. I closed my eyes, breathed slowly, attempting to figure out what to do with the current situation. John¡¯s head was resting on my shoulder, and his body slightly droopy, as if he had fallen asleep. Is he really asleep? ¡°Hey, John¡­? Are you awake?¡± I called his name carefully, but there was no reply. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you fell asleep?¡± Feeling the heat emanating from my face, I dragged John¡¯s sleeping body to the bed. Fortunately, the bed wasn¡¯t too far away, else I¡¯d be out of breath. I tried to throw him on the bed, but¡­ ¡°Ugh!¡± Somehow, his body fell on top of me. I was weighed down by his great physique, his broad chest pressed against me. ¡±Mama, are you alright?¡± Josh, who had been quietly watching from the side, came to the edge of the bed and asked curiously. ¡±Mama, what are you talking about? Couple¡¯s usually sleep together.¡± ¡°What?¡± I pushed John¡¯s body to the side with all my might. It was a bit difficult to breathe with him laying on top of me despite the air of comfort he seemed to exude. Besides that, I think I¡¯ll be able to live. It was when I was going to get out of bed that Josh squeezed himself between John and me. He looked so adorable seeing him snake his way in. He was smiling. It was as if his broken family had mended once again. And then¡­ there was that man towards the other side that had locked any form escape. He had placed his arms around my waist so I¡¯d not be able to flee. ¡°Today, the three of us will sleep together.¡± ¡°Josh, I¡­¡± I¡¯m not your real mom. Josh smiled and wiggled his head towards me. ¡°Mama, your scent, it feels like home. I can¡¯t believe we¡¯re sleeping together again¡­ I¡¯m so happy.¡± ¡±¡­¡­¡± Josh, why must your voice be full of happiness? The word ¡°mother¡¯s scent¡± made my heart ache for I know I will never become his mother. He is not of my blood¡­ he is not my son. I looked down at the child with nothing to say. He pretended to sleep with his eyes shut tight as if to stop me from answering. I could see his eyelids closing and opening. Heh, he¡¯s not even sleeping. I hope my scent is enough. I hope it reaches Josh. I hope he¡¯ll be able to smell the scent of his birth mother. I hope he won¡¯t ever feel sad. It was strange to feel such strong feelings by a child who I had only known for a few hours. Maybe it was his innocence that allowed him to snake his way in my heart. I felt Josh hug me tighter. I smiled and closed my eyes and gently stroked his soft, delicate, blonde hair. Tomorrow, when John wakes up from his sleep, I know he won¡¯t like what he would soon see¡­ but I wonder¡­ I wonder what will happen the moment he drives me out of the mansion. Today might be a dream. If it is, I hope it¡¯ll continue. I would hate to part with this cute little child. Soon after, my thoughts were becoming dull¡­ Everything became dark¡­ Blurry¡­ John slept soundly. He was at peace for once. Maybe it was because he saw Senna in his dreams. After losing her, he was never the same. He never slept. The night was horribly long, and he drowned himself in wine every chance he found for he¡¯d never be able to sleep until he¡¯s drunk. If he doesn¡¯t drink, Senna¡¯s face¡­ she won¡¯t go away. Time made everything dull, and the longing for her grew heavier as time passed. It was strange. The image of her, she never seemed to leave until he was caught in his drunken stupor. But it was strange. Last night, she appeared in his dreams. He recalled it vividly too. He couldn¡¯t forget the way he felt when he held her in his arms like he had always dreamed. It was as if his imagination was in touch with reality. John slowly rose from the bed and touched his temples. It was pounding and it ached. He thought of how he should reduce his alcohol for Josh¡¯s sake. Then, he realized that he was not alone in his bed. He turned his head sideways. What he saw was¡­ ¡°Senna?¡± Chapter 10 - Papa and Mama Should Not Fight (2) Chapter 10: Papa and Mama Should Not Fight (2) It was Senna¡¯s face. She slept soundly ever so peacefully. John was dreaming in a state of euphoria. His eyes closed several times, repeatedly flickering them open. He¡¯d even slapped his cheeks hard, but still her face did not disappear. So¡­ was this not a dream? John reached out his hand carefully and gently touched her cheeks. It was warm, like the body temperature of a living person. Beside her was Joshua who was dead asleep. The two hugged each other tightly. He stared at his two beloved people, and swept his hands through Senna¡¯s disheveled hair. It had been a while since he¡¯d last seen her sleeping face. Then, the morning sun rose and beamed its sunlight through the windows, dying Josh¡¯s blonde a more golden color. John smiled at the sight of it. But¡­ what was going on? Had Senna come back to life? Then, John realized that it was not Senna who lied peacefully in front of him with her eyes closed. Soon as he heard the voice of the woman he thought was Senna, John suddenly remembered who she was. ¡°¡­..So it¡¯s you.¡± John leaned over and examined her face closer. This woman, this beggar, wasn¡¯t her name Lina? She¡¯s the woman he picked up on the street, the woman who bore a resemblance to Senna. To think he had mistaken her for Senna. ¡°Hahhh¡­.¡± John sighed. He smiled bitterly with a disappointed face. She wasn¡¯t Senna, but a beggar he brought with him to the mansion. Because of Josh. That¡¯s right. It was because of Josh that he picked her up. But deep down, he knew he was comforting himself in a lie. He wanted to see the face of this beggar a little bit more. And truth be told, he thought Senna had come back to life. She looked so much like her too, but he knew better. The chances of her coming back was zero. The dead can¡¯t brought to life, after all. She¡¯s dead. John recalled Senna¡¯s funeral. He remembered that day clearly. It was a murky, rainy day. Her sister was there, calm as she could be, but John knew she was hurting inside. John breathed heavily and flicked his head. Senna¡­ he wanted her face erased¡­ he wanted to forget¡­ ¡°¡­.But¡­.¡± ¡°You mean¡­ I slept the night with her?¡± John¡¯s brows knotted as he pressed down on his throbbing temples. He tried to recall what happened last night. Maybe he drank too much because the memory from last night was hazy. He should be angry at her. After all, she barged into his room and slept the night with him, but he wasn¡¯t. Strange. Was it because of Josh? He looked like he fell asleep with a smile plastered on his face that he allowed this beggar to do as she pleased, or was it because of her resemblance to Senna? John reached out again despite knowing that she was not Senna, but a beggar. Without reason, his trembling fingers touched her cheeks and swept away the hair carelessly scattered on her face. It was an act done out of instinct. ¡°¡­¡­!¡± John quickly pulled his hands back and sighed. Did he feel lonely? Was that it? Is that why he brought this woman home? And¡­ why does he feel strange at the mere sight of her? He¡¯ll never admit to this strange feelings. Even if this beggar looked like Senna. Chapter 11 - Papa and Mama Should Not Fight (3) Chapter 11: Papa and Mama Should Not Fight (3) I had a dream. It was different from the usual. In this dream I strolled down the corridor hall. It was a long corridor, wide and endless. There seemed to be no end. There was no light too. It was darkness. The only light penetrating through was the moonlight. On this wide, endless darkness, I was the only one walking. How long have I been walking? It felt like forever. At last, I hear the sound of someone other than me. The sound was low, but heavy enough to recognize it was footsteps. It was sharp and the tapping of the shoe hitting the ground seemed like it was a pointed shoe. I turn my eyes around to the directional sound of the shoes, and see someone walking closer. I look down. The shoes of the man looked quite expensive. I examined his bottoms. It was a well-ironed black pants. As for his upper body, he wore a white visible shirt. The distance between me and that man was close, so very close. I stopped walking and looked at his face. He had blonde hair, but was cut short and neatly. I wanted to take a closer look at his features, but strangely enough, I couldn¡¯t see through it well. He had red lips and it seemed blurry for a short moment. His mouth then moved and said¡­ ¡±¡­¡­!¡± I woke up from the dream, gasping intermittently in breaths. There was tears in my eyes. Senna. It was ¡°that¡± name. If I¡¯m correct, that was the name of Josh¡¯s mother. But.. who was the blonde-haired man I saw in my dream, and why did he call out Senna¡¯s name? Why her name? Was the dream related to my lost memory? Why can¡¯t I remember¡­? ¡°Joshua.¡± I carefully pulled out my arm as I softly called the little child¡¯s name. The first day spent in the mansion felt nice. I had a good time with Josh. Speaking of which, where is John? He¡¯s not here. It¡¯s strange. I¡¯d have thought that I¡¯d hear his screaming voice the moment he realized the three of us had slept in the same bed. Where did he go? I then shut my eyes slowly, going back to yesterday¡¯s events. The memory came flooding in. I was brought to John¡¯s mansion, following the little child who called me his mother. Then, later in the night, John had gotten drunk and had mistaken me as ¡°Senna¡±. I remember how he called in her name in a sorrow-like voice. And¡­ then¡­ I remembered how his lips almost touched mine. Those red lips contrasting his black hair¡­ No, wait! Why am I remembering that? I quietly walked out of the bed reluctantly, and covered Josh with blanket. I stared at his soft face. He had blonde hair, long golden eyelashes, and features like that of a doll. He¡¯ll grow up becoming the center of many girl¡¯s adoration. This I know for certain. ¡±Mama, Mama, don¡¯t go¡­ stay next to Joshua¡­¡± Josh held on tightly to the hem of my sleeves. Why does such sight hurt my heart? ¡°It¡¯s all right, Josh. I¡¯m not leaving.¡± I carded Josh¡¯s hair back and forth and in return his grip on me loosened as a faint smile was painted on his face. Then a voice from behind disturbed the quiet peace. ¡°Josh, I¡¯m not leaving. I¡¯m not leaving you behind, I promise.¡± I turned my head towards the direction of the sound. There stood John leaning against the door which was opened slightly. Who knows how long he had stood there. ¡°Just now.¡± He trudged forward and sat on the bed, next to me. He stared at Josh¡¯s hand clutching mines. ¡°Is that so. Where did you go last night?¡± I replied curtly while examining his face. I could not find a hint of his drunken state from last night. It would seem that he had taken a bath and changed his clothes thus getting rid of the smell of alcohol. He smelled nice. ¡°I thought you¡¯d never leave the bed.¡± ¡°Wasn¡¯t it the same for you last night when you didn¡¯t let me out the bed?¡± ¡°¡­¡­What?¡± ¡°Calm down. It was just a joke.¡± ¡°I bet you¡¯re having fun, aren¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t you having just as fun? I seemed to recall the things you did last night¡­¡± ¡°Argh!¡± ¡°Ah, be quiet. You¡¯ll wake Josh up.¡± I thought it was fun to get John riled up. ¡°¡­.You! Talk like that again and see what happens!¡± John¡¯s voice grew loud but he quickly shut his mouth. In the end, it was futile because Josh had woken up. The child spoke loudly while he rubbed his eyes. ¡±Stop it both of you! A husband and wife shouldn¡¯t be fighting!¡± ¡°¡­¡­.¡± Our mouths were shut tight again. This kid¡­ Chapter 12 - What Do You Mean? (1) Chapter 12: What Do You Mean? (1) ¡°We got scolded by a child.¡± I teased jokingly. Though frankly speaking, it was John who¡¯d been scolded by Josh. Had John spoken a different tune, we¡¯d not be yelled at. ¡°Huh? What are you going on about? And why were you sleeping in my room?¡± ¡°You don¡¯t remember? It was because you were drunk!¡± When I answered as such, Josh who was near the door stopped and looked over his shoulder. He had his hands placed on his waist and belted out a stern voice. ¡°I told you to stop fighting!¡± Josh, who¡¯s voice came off harsh was in truth quite cute. My heart melted. ¡°Josh, it¡¯s not that. We¡¯re not fighting.¡± ¡°Josh¡­ I¡­. why would I fight with this woman?¡± Josh donned a ¡®I¡¯m watching you¡¯ look with his cheeks puffed out. I had a sudden urge to smother him in my arms. Maybe later¡­ Right after, we trotted out of John¡¯s room and into the dining hall for breakfast. I looked forward to breakfast. I just so happened to be hungry. But on the way, John walked beside me side-by-side and spoke, this time singing a much gentler tune. ¡°Ha-ha¡­ yeah, I don¡¯t remember. So explain to me. What¡¯s the connection with me being drunk and you sleeping in my room? Ha-ha¡­¡± John forced himself to laugh, not wanting to receive a scolding once more. I thought it was cute but grimaced at the sudden realization. Shaking my head from impure thoughts, I answered with a false smile. ¡°Ha-ha¡­ Josh led me to your room and requested that I stop you from drinking. Ha-ha¡­¡± ¡°Ha-ha¡­ so it was Josh¡­ that¡¯s what happened. Ha-ha¡­¡± ¡°Otherwise, why would I willingly come to your room? Ha-ha¡­¡± John immediately stopped his forced smile and grabbed my wrist. Noticing the gap between us and Josh had widened to the point that he¡¯d not hear our conversation, John leaned over and whispered in ant like voice. ¡°Did I do anything to you last night? Did I make a mistake?¡± He looked at me and asked. Mistakes¡­ I recalled the ¡®atrocities¡¯ John committed last night. The image of him calling out to me as if I was another woman¡­ the image of him wrapping his arms around me¡­ come to think of it, we had almost kissed too. Good thing I had quick reflex. But it was a pleasant experience. Wait, what am I saying? ¡°You made a lot of mistakes. A lot.¡± ¡°¡­¡­!¡± John¡¯s pupils widened. I smirked inwardly at the thought of teasing him a little. ¡°I swear. Cross my heart.¡± ¡°Me¡­ me? I John Lancaster committed an indecent act?¡± ¡°You can put it that way.¡± John pursed his lips. He had never committed an indecent act, truth be told. Not that I was aware of but there lies in my heart a desire to tease him. His expressions were quite eye-catching. ¡°You were about to throw a bottle and hands were going to be thrown.¡± ¡°Lies.¡± How did he know? ¡°No matter how drunk I might have been, there¡¯s a line I would never cross. Now speak honestly.¡± I sighed. Looks like the joke would end here. John could no longer be fooled. And so I shrugged and recounted the true events that transpired last night. ¡°Sobbing, you hugged me.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°And almost kissed¡­¡± At the thought of that, I looked away, feeling the heat rising up to my face. ¡°Anyway, I don¡¯t like men who¡¯re drunk and want to take advantage of the situation!¡± ¡°¡­¡­.¡± John was strangely quiet thereafter. Too quiet. Did he remember anything of last night? I took a peak at his countenance and his fierce glistening eyes had softened. He looked away as if realizing something. Senna. Is he thinking of her? It was an unpleasant thought knowing he mistook me for another woman. I wonder why? And strangely enough, his touch felt familiar. Why? ¡°¡­.what are you two doing there? Come on!¡± Realizing we¡¯d gone astray and lagged far behind Josh, he shouted loud and clear, interrupting us from our thoughts. I broke free from John¡¯s grip and walked over to Josh. The dining hall was just around the corner. I looked back and saw John standing still, unmoving. I called out to him. ¡°What are you doing? Come on.¡± Brought back from reality, John raised his head and nodded. His fiery attitude somehow subsided and was replaced by a sort of softness to it. As I thought, the dining hall was around the corner. In the middle was a big, long table crawling with delicious food and delicacies. I took a gulp and resisted the urge to devour the food right away. Soon as I was about to take a sit, John called out to me from behind. ¡°Hey, wait a minute.¡± ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°That¡­ last night¡­¡± ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°¡­.so¡­. umm¡­¡± I grimaced. What¡¯s he doing stuttering for? I¡¯m about to eat. ¡°¡­.I want to¡­¡± He trailed off, biting his lip in the process. What is he saying? I¡¯m lost. ¡°What?¡± ¡°Me¡­ me¡­¡± Me¡­? ¡°Is today¡¯s main menu meatballs?¡± ¡°No! I¡¯m not talking about meatballs.¡± Then what is it? This is frustrating. I just want to eat. ¡°Then what are you trying to say?¡± ¡°Me¡­ you used your charm on me while I was drunk, didn¡¯t you? You took advantage of me while I was drunk, right?¡± I stared at him with dumbfounded eyes. So he wants to blame me for his actions last night? He wants to turn it around? I think not! ¡°¡­..¡± I was speechless. However, John looked extremely nervous. I replied expressionlessly. ¡°It wasn¡¯t you but me. You were thinking of me as a beauty.¡± A smile crept onto my mouth. Maybe beauty wasn¡¯t the best proper term to use, but his actions made no sense other than the thought that he saw me as a beautiful goddess to the point that he could not contain himself, to the point of rushing after me for a hug. ¡°Ha¡­ yes, I¡¯m a beauty. Let¡¯s go eat.¡± ¡°¡­.yes, let¡¯s go eat.¡± ¡°This beautiful beggar will now eat.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡± John sighed. What had really happened last night? What had he done? Those were the thoughts that filled his mind. Chapter 13 - What Do You Mean? (2) Chapter 13: What Do You Mean? (2) Breakfast, as John said, was not meatballs. No, it was a tender and juicy beefsteak. The searing brow color of the meat was ominously delicious. ¡°Let¡¯s eat.¡± Soon as John¡¯s words fell, the three of us took a seat. I picked up the fork and knife quickly. Josh sat across from and looked at me doe-eyed, precisely cutting the meat to pieces. ¡°Mama, Mama! Did you see how I cut the meat? It¡¯s good, right?¡± I watched Josh slice the steak good n¡¯ proper. ¡°Yes, you¡¯re good. You can get married now.¡± ¡°Hey, you can¡¯t say he can get married!¡± John roared with food in his mouth, accidentally spilling a small piece. He was embarrassed. Josh let out a small chuckle, enjoying the embarrassment of his father. ¡°Papa, I¡¯m not able to marry? ¡°Not yet.¡± He answered firmly and glanced at my plate. ¡°In comparison, your knife cutting skill is terribly horrendous.¡± John relished in revenge for the sufferings he¡¯d gone through previously, and I looked up at John¡¯s plate in a fit of anger¡­ but¡­ he had cut the steak with impeccable precision and all I could think was ¡®damn¡¯. ¡°I know. Aren¡¯t you proud?¡± I could not find anything at fault to complain about so I minded my own business and cut the steak again. But the very next second, a surprising occurrence happened. John, with his long arms, reached out and swapped my plate with his and what I found on the plate was perfectly cut steak. ¡°Oh, don¡¯t get any silly ideas in your head. Just watching you gets me frustrated.¡± The image of John pretending to be a well-mannered man was frighteningly appalling. ¡°Oh my God!¡± I looked at him in disbelief. ¡°What¡­? How long are you gonna look at me like that? I don¡¯t want you to get any illusions up in that empty head of yours.¡± £ª£ª£ª ¡°Mama¡¯s so pretty.¡± He said cutely. Oh he¡¯ll become the death of me one day. ¡°How can Joshua be so cute?¡± I wore a big smile on my face. ¡°Hehe, I guess it¡¯s because I¡¯m Mama¡¯s son.¡± A fresh smile spread across his face. Josh grew up a considerate child. ¡°I won¡¯t deny, but your papa wouldn¡¯t have called me a beauty.¡± ¡°You¡¯re right! Papa won¡¯t say that so Joshua will! Mama, don¡¯t you also say that you¡¯re a beauty?¡± True. I did call myself a beautiful beggar in front of John. It was a bizarre title, nevertheless. ¡°Yes, I did¡­¡± ¡°Hehe!¡± Josh smiled, showing his pearly white teeth. I reached out and stroked his fine, blonde hair. ¡°So, how old is Joshua?¡± ¡°Five years old!¡± As expected. He was at the age I previously guessed. ¡°What do you like, Joshua?¡± ¡°Anything sweet! I love candy the most, but¡­ Papa doesn¡¯t like me eating it¡­¡± Josh replied, head bowed down a little too low. ¡°Don¡¯t worry. I¡¯ll bring you candy without Papa knowing. It¡¯ll be our little secret.¡± ¡°Really?¡± ¡°Of course. But you have to brush your teeth when you finish eating the candy, alright?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± Josh nodded vigorously. I giggled and rubbed his hair unevenly. ¡°Mama, Joshua has a question too!¡± He asked suddenly. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± ¡°Mama sometimes calls Papa an @sshole. What does it mean?¡± ¡°¡­¡­.¡± I was at a loss for words and my smiling face twitched, ready to break out into a cold sweat. I wondered if I¡¯d be able to explain to a 5 year old the word which had a negative meaning¡­ ¡°Well, Josh, ehem¡­. Someone as cool as your Papa is called an @sshole.¡± I coughed. ¡°Wow! I see! A man as cool as Papa is called an @sshole!¡± ¡°Yep! Your Papa is so cool, so handsome so perfect!¡± I couldn¡¯t resist leaking out a chuckle. Josh didn¡¯t know why I was laughing but it mattered not. He laughed along with me. For a while, we laughed like fools, but then it suddenly occurred to me¡­ it¡¯d be a nice view and hilarious to watch Josh call John, ¡°Papa is an @sshole!¡± with an elated smile. I could only imagine how surprised he¡¯d be. Frightened, he¡¯d probably stagger back and faint. I laughed louder, holding the pain in my stomach, imagining the ordeal John would go through. Josh followed along, roaring loudly with an overbearing laughter. He didn¡¯t know why I was laughing. He just laughed with me. What a cute child. £ª£ª£ª After spending time with Josh as his pseudo-mother, I laid in the bedroom assigned to me freely. Josh had gone and left me to attend classes and before leaving he had repeatedly state that I not go anywhere else. I was hungry at the time and I wanted to eat, but I endured the urges and kissed Josh on the cheek. ¡°I¡¯ll be here.¡± And so here I am, lying in bed and lulling myself to sleep. £ª£ª£ª When I woke up, I felt something pressing on me. I opened my eyes halfway with furrowed brows. I could smell the terrible scent of alcohol. I looked over and saw the great John Lancaster. His was resting on my stomach!