189 The truth of her birth III Miriam .
Its been two weeks since I came back to the Moon Temple with an empty womb and a heart heavier than Id ever known .
The stillness of the temple at all times which used to ground me in such a way I couldnt understand , broken asionally only by the soft rustling of robes or the distant chant of prayers had now be a prison to me .
I was the secret , trapped in a prison and the only people who knew were my wet pillow each night and my conscience .
I couldnt believe I was a mom well a half mom actually but that experience changed my life in ways I never expected .
Each day felt heavier than thest my belly was still round and protruded .
I was still too tired from carrying another human for nine months and still forced to get on with my life like nothing just happened .
Of course , no one noticed since I returned in Spring and we were always at our busiest at this time of the year because a lot of special flowers , herbs and seeds are found at this time .
I simply went out of my way and kept myself away from unnecessary interactions .
Except for Terra my bosom friend , Mother Liora and the other priestesses who were Mother Lioras closest friends no one else knew .
For instance , at the morning Assembly today when I was asked to lead the e prayers , had recited a ritual prayer instead of the prayers designed to kickstart our day .
Superior Priestess Dianas eyes had narrowed on me as she assessed me from head to toe .
Miriam , she called out coldly .
You look … different .
Sluggish in your movements , forgetful and fat .
Is there something you wish to share ? My breath caught in my throat , my heart pounding in panic as I tugged at my uniform , stretching the already stretched fabric .
The pregnancy had made me add a lot of weight on my hips and chest .
Although the midwife had prepared a special routine for me to follow to lose the baby fat , she had told me it was a gradual process .
Everyone was staring at me in the hall , especially Jemimah who had a smirk on her face .
Miriam ? she called out impatiently again .
15 189 The truth of her birth Im sorry , Mother ! I muttered .
I didnt ask for an apology , she responded , her voice was filled with frustration .
T simply want an exnation as to why youre looking out of ce from all the girls in the temple .
Your uniform is too tight , your face is round and are those dark circles I see around your your eyes ? I opened my mouth , looking for an exnation but no words came out .
Before the silence could be suspicious , Mother Liora intervened .
The little self discovery trip I sent her on must have been harder on her than I thought , she said giving me a reassuring nce .
Its not umon for children to go outside this pack ande back looking the same .
Think of all the overly processed food and all … Mother Liora said .
There was a murmur of agreement and the conversation turned to something else but I felt Priestess Diana still looking at me .
At night , Iy on my bed staring at the ceiling .
My baby wasnt inside me anymore , but my body hadnt epted that truth yet .
My belly was still soft and rounded and my muscles still ached with the strain of carrying a child that was no longer there .
I turned onto my side , clutching my nket tightly and cried myself to sleep .
In the days that followed , I was living in hell .
Mornings were the cruellest .
I would wake up and my hands would instinctively move to cradle the bump that was no longer there .
Most times when I bend to pick something up .
I would catch myself dropping to my knees first just like how it had done when I was still pregnant .
My breasts were still swollen painfully and hard as stone and still leaking milk .
Despite all the herbs the midwife had given me to stop it , it still rushed out .
Every morning , I would pad my breast with several clothes to hide the milk stain and for the entire day , I would be conscious of myself .
Most times , the pain would be unbearable and I would have to sneak back to my room and nurse my swollen breasts .
I became an expert at hiding my tears and my pain .
I would excuse myself under the pretence of needing solitude for prayer , only to sit in the corner of my small room , rocking myself and sobbing into my hands .
The contractions were the worst .
In between carrying out my duties , my womb would squeeze in pain and I would gnash my teeth , mping down on it waiting for the moment to pass .
By the second month , I started hearing baby cries .
25 C 189 The truth of her birth !!! 10 when the sound of a crying baby filled my ears .
It was filled with desperation and judgment .
I stumbled out of my room , searching the hall for the source .
Instead , I met Priestess Tania .
Miriam ! she held my hand ; she must have seen the wild desperation in them .
Whats wrong with you dear ? Its after lights out .
What are you doing walking about ? My baby ! I murmured , trying to move away from her hold .
Shes crying , I need to get to her .
Oh , Moon , Priestess Tania exhaled , looking sideways to make sure there was no one in the hallway but us .
She dragged me to my room and a momentter , she came back with Mother Liora and Priestess Khaliah .
Both women tried to calm my racing heart and the endless cries that were ringing in my ears until I eventually drifted into sleep .
When I woke the next morning , I saw Mother Liora sitting at the edge of my bed , staring at me .
Mother ! I murmured pushing myself up .
How do you feel ? she asked me , touching my forehead .
Im fine ! I nodded giving her a puzzled expression .
What are you doing here ? She avoided my gaze .
I know youre suffering Miriam , and you feel guilty but if you keep this up , everything will be exposed .
Theres a limit to the excuses I can give for you .
Everyone has noticed that something is not right and I would like for it not to go beyond that ? I drew my knees under my chin .
What did I do again , mother ? You were roaming the hallwayst night looking for your baby .
Thankfully , it was priestess Tania who saw you .
Are you taking the medications the midwife rmended ? I nodded hanging my head .
You must try , Miriam .
Im sorry that I cannot understand how it is with you but you have duties that are suffering .
Youve been distracted for too long and Im not sure how long we can hide it .
Its the second month already … please , Miriam … I lowered my gaze , Im sorry , Mother .
Ill do better .
Mother Liora reached out , cing a hand on my trembling fingers .
Youve been through a great deal , child .
I understand that .
But you must find strength from within and move on .
Were the light in the darkness for our people .
You cannot carry this 180 The truth of her birth III I nodded silently .
But the cries didnt stop there .
It happened again the next night and the next and at random times during the day but I learnt to live with it .
By the third month , guilt became my constantpanion .
I would wake up in the middle of the night and stroll into the woods , surrounding the temple .
There , under the stars , I would fall to my knees and weep .
I kept seeing my baby in my dreams .
Tiny hand reaching out for me , crying for me not to let go .
Every night , the same scene yed out again and again .
The scene where the midwife would pick the baby from the bass and leave the room .
Then the other scene where I had held her and felt her little heartbeat against mine .
And how she had immediately stopped crying when I held her , cooing softly .
The guilt was suffocating .
How could I have abandoned my child ? How could I live with myself , knowing I had chosen duty over motherhood ? A few nightster , I returned to the temple after one of my midnights walk .
My robes were damp from the morning dew and my cheeks had dried off with tears .
I found myself standing in front of the Moon Altar , the sacred space where the priestesses performed their most important rituals .
The moonlight streamed through the little hole above the roof.
I sank to my knees , my hands sped tightly in prayer .
Moon Goddess , I whispered with a trembling voice .
I have failed .
I have failed you , my child and myself .
I dont know how to carry this pain anymore .
I bowed my head in grief , crying out all the pain I felt inside .
When no answer came , I rose slowly , my legs shaking beneath me .
For the first time in my life , the Moon Temple felt like a prison .
That was when I knew I couldnt stay .